The ART of Becoming a Family

Spreading Their Wings

2012-02-07T20:47:00.001-06:00

I can remember, not too long ago, when my boys were mama-focused. They wanted me and only me. It felt good to be needed. It felt good to be their number one. I knew it wouldn't last for long, and so on the days that I could not leave the room without hearing them cry for me, I had to remind myself of that. My showers would top out at 2 minutes due to little boys pounding on the door shrieking for mama. Using the bathroom alone? Forget about it.

For the last few months my baby boys have been trying to use their wings to fly.

That actually sounds too poetic for whats been happening. In actuality they have been trying to get their mother to leave the nest, or yelling at me to leave the house again as soon as I return home from anywhere. We were heading to the grocery store this weekend when Gabe bluntly requested "Mama stay home, Nana come to the store." I have had "Mama go bye bye!" demanded of me too many times to count.

That makes a person feel loved.

I'm not the "Big Thing" that I used to be.

I used to be one of their only food sources. I knew just how they needed to be swaddled and cuddled. There was a magic song I could sing that would almost always lull them to sleep when they couldn't calm themselves. In their little world, I was IT.

In the words of Bob Dylan, "The Times They Are A Changin."

Daddy can read nighttime stories just as good, if not better than me. Nana is much more entertaining when playing cars, and Grandpa is the best cuddle partner for watching cartoons.

The biggest evidence of their growing up came last week at ECFE. It was our first class back since last Spring. This class is new to them; new teachers, a different room, and biggest of all, it has a parent/child separation portion for 1/2 the time.

I was nervous. I'm used to always being close. I rarely leave them, let alone with new people in a new environment.

I wasn't nervous about how they would feel without me, afterall they have one another. I was more worried about how their behavior would be. Would they be out of control the second I left the room? Would they be the kids standing in a corner refusing to participate? Worst yet, would they be mean to other kids, not share appropriately and hit? None of these are normal behaviors for them, but I only know how they are around me. I'm not sure what happens when I am gone.

I prepped them in advance. Told them that mama would be next door and showed them the special window they could look through if they needed to see me.

We had our circle time with the class, sang our Hug song and kissed goodbye. I got up and cautiously left the room, keeping an eye on them as I walked away. Not a peep out of them. No longing glance at me, no fight put up about having me leave. In fact, they instantly got in line to wash up for snack and never looked back. I kept checking the window in the parent room. I was thinking that I would look up at some point and find two teary eyed boys with their faces pressed against the window, searching for their mother.

It never happened.

I guess that's what any parent should want. Confident children, certain of themselves, and certain that when mama says she'll be close and will soon return- that she will.

Class today went off without a hitch. When I told the boys that it was a school day Gabe responded with "Mama goes in the other room at school." No concern in his voice, just proudly stating a fact.

Yes, you are right, sweet boy.

Close by, and there when you need me.

For now, I'll hold you close when you let me, and I'll cherish the little moments of you both still needing me.

These times are bittersweet.

They are just little snapshots of what is to come.

I know that in a way you will always need me. Everyone needs their mama no matter how old they are.

For right now though, I'll just watch you take these small steps and wonder in amazement at how far you have come and dream about how far you will go.

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Belly Shots of "Piglet"

2012-02-01T11:27:00.001-06:00

17 weeks and 27 weeks

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TOLAC and VBACS and NUVBACS, Oh My!

2012-01-31T14:21:00.001-06:00

We'll see how this blogging on a phone works... Forgive the typos.

Life is an adventure.

Life with twin boys is a great adventure.

They leave me rolling on the floor with laughter one moment, and have me pulling out my own hair out the next.

I have been so blessed to have them in my life. I am honored that they call me mommy. Except maybe when they are sopping wet and screaming it while dangling from the water fountain at the library.

My boys have brought me so much happiness and it's still crazy to imagine that in just over 3 months we will be adding another one to this wild family.

The delivery of the twins did not go as expected, nor planned, but how many births actually do?

I knew from the moment that I learned of this baby's existence that I did not want a other c- section. I didn't want the first one, but Gabe going into sudden severe distress required it, and I am thankful that we were so quickly taken care of.

Now I am climbing the mountain in preparing for a VBAC. I wish it was an easy task. Afterall, I am just a mama who wants to birth her baby "normally." Unfortunately, once you have a scar on your uterus there is no "normal" according to many doctors. Many hospitals ban the procedure. And if you find a hospital that lets you attempt a Trial of Labor After Cesearian or TOLAC, you need to find a provider who supports your decision and cross your fingers that they are the one on-call and not a provider who is scalpel happpy and dislikes tolacers.

My original OB told me that vbac mamas are held to a higher standard since we have a higher risk of uterine rupture. No inductions, and a scheduled section if you go over 41 weeks. Constant fetal monitoring and no walking around the l and d room. If your labor is "too long" then section, if you don't follow the labor curve, then section ; too long pushing, a section; baby decels more than desired, a section. Hearing all this at my OB appointments made me cringe, but never second guess my decision to attempt a vaginal delivery. Instead, it made me want it more, and it made me put the work into figuring out how I can increase my chances at doing it successfully.

So I began to read book after book, blogs and birth stories. And I learned so much along the way about birth, pregnancy, and that what many doctors have turned "birthing" in to today is not what it has to be.

I don't want to do the run of the mill race to the hospital at the first signs of labor, get an iv, strap me to the bed and give me an epidural kind of birth.

That's not me. That's not how I want my birth to go. From all the studies that I have read up on and from all the experts in birthing babies, that's not how to do it.

I am trying to take my pregnancyand delivery to the next level.

I'm heading to a midwife. To someone who looks at me as a whole and sees a woman who has no reason not to be able to deliver her baby naturally. I am not a uterine rupture waiting to happen. Yes, there is a VERY small risk ,but that risk is just as small as it is for a placental abruption or cord prolapse for any "normal" woman. I am considered very low risk for a rupture, and I am considered to have an excellent chance of birthing this baby vaginally.

I am doing prenatal yoga and Spinning Babies exercises to prepare the baby and myself for our best delivery. The chiropractor is adjusting my back and hips for optimal alignment. I have gathered a strong support system with my husband, mother and best friend who are all amazing advocates and believers in natural birth. In the end, I just want a healthy baby, but in the meantime I am going to dream about just how that little one will arrive.

Baby is growing well. Big and active. I can see and feel a little foot poking me just next to my belly button as I write this. I love having this connection with a tiny person that I have not even met yet.

My boys are showing a much greater interest in babies. Mainly in trying to hold their cousin, Rodion, who is practically as big as they are.

We didn't like referring to the baby as "it" so we decided as a family to name the baby "Piglet." And although we don't officially know the sex of the baby, they have decided it is a baby sister. Gabe will correct me at times and tell me that the baby is not named Piglet, it is named Baby Sister. Poor guy, I think he'll be upset if it turns out to be a boy.

Current Stats

27 weeks

Weight gain- 20 pounds (I might outgain what I did with the boys!)

Best moment this week- Sleeping straight through the night without needing a bathroom break.

Aches/Pains- Nighttime leg cramps have begun

Cravings- Can't say I have really had any recently.

Gender Prediction- 50/50 I honestly have no clue right now

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Apples to Oranges

2011-11-21T12:42:00.004-06:00

Pregnancy #2, Baby #3

Here it is 17 weeks in, and I have barely said anything about how this pregnancy is going.

I managed to survive the first trimester. Some women may take that mean surviving the constant nausea and fatigue. Others may take it to mean that I managed to make it to the other side and still remain pregnant.

I mean both.

It seems that if you have ever struggled to get pregnant, struggled to stay pregnant, or have personally known anyone close to you who has done one or the other, that you take to heart the miracle that pregnancy truly is.

I spotted throughout the first trimester, something that had not happened to me while I was pregnant with the boys. It scared me and even through I was reassured by my doctor and the heartbeat on the doppler, I still found myself constantly thinking "If we have this baby..." rather than "When we have this baby..."

My nerves are easing up as I move closer and closer to 24 weeks, the age of viability. I have started feeling the comforting kicks and hiccups, the constant little reminders that there is life inside me. My morning sickness is completely gone, and for the most part my energy is back.

This pregnancy is progressing rather quickly, and so far it's been much easier than my last. But how can you even compare being pregnant with one baby to being pregnant with two? At this point, with the boys, I was measuring 26 weeks and suffering from major back pain, heartburn, and insomnia. This go around I am gaining weight slower and my belly is probably measuring right where it should be for one baby. I can still fit into my regular pants and button them, although I am a bigger fan of the elastic wasted maternity pants. Heck, I would wear them when I wasn't pregnant. I am reminding myself to appreciate the ability to look at my feet, and bend over easily, because soon enough that won't be happening.

I would love to report that Gabe and Nat are embracing this "Mama is having a baby and we are going to be big brothers thing" but quite frankly they don't have a clue how much their world will be changing come May.

Pregnancy Stats Mostly for my own benefit, but also for those curious minds.

How far along: 17 weeks

Cravings: Fruit, fruit and more fruit. Also, the occasional crunchy salad (romaine, rather than spring greens) and last week was Breyer's Natural Vanilla ice cream with Reese's shell topping (I ate a bowl everyday)

Weight: +6 from pre-pregnancy

Best moments: Watching Charlie Brown's Christmas with the boys and feeling a full 3 minutes of hiccups from Baby

Belly button: Formerly an innie, but now an outie that has yet to pop. If that makes any sense

Aches and Pains: Round ligament pains, and Braxton Hicks a few times a day(early yet again!)

Gender Prediction: 80% of me thinks girl, 20% thinks boy.

Spontaneous

2011-10-26T13:53:00.005-05:00

Shortly after returning home from the cabin I embarked on what was going to be my next "Big Adventure"- watching my dearest, closest friend's daughter while she went back to school to teach in the fall. It was a perfect idea. She gets the piece of mind of having her daughter cared for by her best friend, and her best friend gets a little extra income. Two kids under that age of 2 is a lot of work, and 3 kids under the age of 2 is even more. But, I was ready and excited to have an extra playmate for the boys. Lulu is a doll, a mere 4 1/2 months younger than the boys, and a true joy to have around. I love getting so spend time with her. It is a perfect fit

The first week went great, I was exhausted by the end of the day, but that's to be expected when you chase 3 kids around all day, right?

Wrong. Well, sort of.

You see, I wasn't just exhausted from chasing three kids around. There was another reason lurking behind the exhaustion, and I found out what it was the next week.

I went grocery shopping with the boys one night. I passed the meat section and got dry heaves. Two aisle later I was completely nauseated, and that's when the possibility of pregnancy struck me.

No, I thought at first. We're infertile. I know we were told that fertility could be restored after the pregnancy, but that was a small chance. Plus we were being cautious, and to be quite honest, I wasn't sure that there was even an opportunity for us to get pregnant the previous month.

I had started spotting, but my period was 4 days late, so I caved and bought a test.

The boys were taking a bath when I took the test. I set it on the counter and thought to myself "I can't believe I wasted 8 bucks on this thing, there is no way that I am pregnant."

As soon as I finished my thought I looked down at the test to see the moisture wash over the test strip.

Two very dark lines. A positive pregnancy test.

A four letter word might have escaped my lips. Gabe might have also repeated the four letter word in his adorable, little toddler voice.

That's right folks... I'm pregnant.

13 weeks pregnant.

We're still shocked.

This is our Next Big Adventure

For someone who struggled for 3 years to try and get pregnant, who ultimately required one of the most high tech ways to conceive, it still baffles me. Spontaneous conception is what my doctor wrote in my chart. When someone who previously required IVF to conceive, conceives on their own.

Natural Family Planning to the tee, with only one opportunity for conception that occurred way before I ever ovulate. The size of the baby shows that I managed to ovulate more than a week before I normally do, without any of my normal signs that accompany it.

Ultimately, this was not in our hands. The Lord wanted us to have this baby.

I wouldn't let myself believe it until I had my first Ob appointment at 8 weeks. She found the baby on the ultrasound right away, and I saw the little flicker of the heartbeat. The evening bloat is slowly turning into a morning baby bump.

Last week I had a 12 week appointment, and I got to hear the familiar whoosh-whoosh of the baby's heart. My doctor had the challenge of keeping it on doppler while it did gymnastics around my belly. I was told to be prepared for the kicks and flips this one will be doing, considering how active it was during that short time at my appointment.

I'm starting to get excited for our new arrival. I'm not nervous to have another baby. One newborn will be a piece of cake after caring for two at a time.

What I am nervous about is how I will care for a baby while running after my two little monkeys all day.

They are runners.

They are climbers, and they are good at getting into trouble.

They have also started arguing for my attention. "MY Mommy!!" is a frequent phrase often heard. Now they will feel the need to fight even more when the littlest one arrives.

It will all work out just like it is suppose to.

I suppose the most ironic thing in all of this is that I was just starting to resent the "fertile" population again. In fact, I have a post that I had recently written, but not posted, about how we were going to start saving for our next embryo transfer, so that in a year we could attempt a second pregnancy. Thousands of dollars, and a year of saving for an attempt.

Well, I suppose I'm not considered infertile anymore. It's nice to lose the title.

Yes, we still have our embryos.

Yes, we will still be giving them a chance at life sometime in the future.

The possibility of a huge family is a very scary thought.

But I think back to 4 years ago when we were in the midst of heartache and failed fertility treatments, and I remember how I ached to experience the love that a mother has for her babies.

That love is powerful and amazing. If I get to multiply it by 6 kids, then my world will be complete.

The Cabin

2011-08-22T12:17:00.007-05:00

We returned from your second ever cabin trip last night.

The Cabin is a sacred place for your father. His childhood summers were filled with memories of this place; little boy antics, fishing, boating, campfires, family and friends. This place is a treasure for your family. Now that most of us are married and even have kids of our own, we return there. 3 brothers and 1 sister, 2 sisters-in law, a brother-in law, and 3 little ones occupy the bedrooms, futon, and porch for a week of fun and family.

I was apprehensive to make the journey this year, being that last year our trip Up North left me feeling stressed and crabby.
It was virgin territory for us a year ago. 2 parents embarking on our first ever vacation with a set of 10 month old twins. Our trip, pre-kids, used to consist of mornings that dragged into afternoons while we sipped on hot cups of coffee, lazy pontoon rides, fishing, afternoon naps, campfires, and rousing late-night board games accompanied with cocktails. Last year proved difficult to relax while nursing one baby, and attempting to nurse another who was deciding to self wean at the time. Trying to get you both to nap during the day, and sleep well at night was by far the most stressful.
I resolved that this year would go much better, you were older, and better sleepers, and best of all you loved sand and water, both of which are abundant at a lake.
We set off to the cabin on Wednesday and after 2 hours in the car I was starting to regret our decision to go. You were both antsy to get out of your car seats and run around. Gabriel started to tell us "All done car ride, all done!" Then we had tears and screaming.
My two wild and busy boys don't normally sit still for more than 10 minutes at a time. Daddy and I started to unload our bag of tricks. We had large container of toys and activities packed to distract you. Flash cards, toy trains, trucks, and balls. 10 rounds of BINGO, Happy Birthday to each and every one our family members, Old MacDonald, and The Alphabet Song were a nice, but brief distraction.
I'm sure that I could have popped open the lap top and played a Mister Rogers episode to quiet you, or handed you some battery operated toy but I cherish the simplicity of a family car trip without the use of modern day electronics. Even if it means listening to you crab at me for the remaining 3 hours on the road. I'd rather that you grow up chatting and singing, and playing "I Spy", and the license plate game with your parents during road trips verses sitting in the back seat of a mini-van staring at some cartoon movie playing in an overhead DVD player. Some of my favorite memories of growing up are those that were created while we three girls were "trapped" with your grandparents in the car during road trips around the country.
You both fell asleep when the sky darkened and awoke just as we arrived at our destination. You were greeted by Aunties and Uncles, and cousin "No-no" with enthusiasm. I was impressed that you went to bed so easily that night, albeit much much later than usual.
This year seemed to go off without a hitch. We had returned to the lake with experience under our belts.
Yes, you were crabby at times.
Okay, okay, you were crabby most of the time .
You crashed for your afternoon rest and for bedtime. In general, you were good boys.
Except for attacking your poor cousin on a few occasions. While you two seem to have your own hierarchy built in to your relationship (Nat, in general, being the leader, and Gabe asserting himself occasionally to keep things balanced) your cousin isn't built into the structure. Nat continued to lead the way, and instead of Gabe following as usual, he decided to lash out at poor "No-No" with attempted bites and a kick to the face during a diaper change.
Time outs didn't mean much when you appeared happy to take a break in your pack-n-play for 2 minutes. Scoldings from your Mama do nothing more than solicit a giggle and an impersonation of the yelling.
Our days were spent playing on the beach, and wearing your Auntie Katie out by catching 3 boisterous little boys as they jumped off the dock. You explored indoors and entertained yourselves with a rusty old wagon that was too fun to share, and many toys that your daddy and uncles played with as little boys.
We spent an evening meeting your Great Aunt and Great Uncle and your daddy's cousin. You ate cheesy bread and spent a good part of an hour racing up and down the ramp built for your Great Uncle's electric wheelchair.
On our last night we had the traditional fish fry. Everyone contributed by either catching, filleting, or cooking up the Perch and Rock Bass. My contribution was the quinoa salad. You ate up the fried deliciousness dipped in homemade tarter sauce. All you touched from the salad I made was the olives.
Sunday was the perfect day to head home. You had been out of your routine just long enough for it to start to impact you. The big crabbies were setting in. We tried to keep you occupied with some Yo-Gabba-Gabba and Baby Einstein so we could pack up and clean. By 11:30 we were all smashed into our car again heading South.
You surprised us with how well you both did on the trip home, especially considering that the traffic congestion added on an extra hour to an already 5 hour trip. Hearing that we were traveling back to a familiar place where you knew Grandma, Grandpa and Oliver would be helped the journey. That and stopping at a Dairy Queen to spoil you with some bites of a Blizzard.
I cherish the time that we get to spend with our family.
The late night games, chats, and laugh fests.
Your Uncles behaving like young boys who are high on life.
The way that your Aunties smother you with love.
I will remember how your first words when you woke so early in the morning were "All done night-night, Outside? Lake? Sandbox? and No-No?" In that order almost every day we were there.

You won't remember the memories we created this year, but I hope that someday the cabin will be a significant part of your lives.

Big Boys

2011-07-25T22:04:00.008-05:00

It still wows me how quickly you two are growing.
It will hit me when I go to pack up your outgrown clothes and I see the last size that you were in. They look so much smaller, and yet it was just a mere 6 months ago that you were in them.

Today you both told me that you needed to go potty, so you tore off your diapers and ran into the bathroom. You plopped your tooshies down and proceeded to pee on the potty chair.
I am shocked and amazed that you are beginning to understand that concept. The whole aiming into the toilet is something that we will have to work on. You don't seem to quite understand that you are suppose to "push it down". Instead, you just grab onto yourselves and wind up peeing all over your fingers. For now, this mama will get the fun task of directing your boy bits into the toilet.

Your cousin, Rodion Ames, was born last week. I kept drilling it into your heads that your cousin Harper, or Nano (as you like to call her), was going to have a new brother. He arrived, and we visited him in the hospital, but you didn't show him any attention. I was surprised since you are both very baby obsessed and will seek them out if you see any.
Once he came to your house for a visit, you seemed much more intrigued. He was met with kisses and caresses from the both of you. I saw you both loving him, and I remember that just a short time ago you were his size.

We look through books and you can identify most anything on the pages. You tell me every morning that Grandpa, and Grandma and Daddy are at work. Every motorcycle you see belongs to your Uncle Nate. When you see an airplane in the sky you always ask for it to come back. I don't have to hush the dogs any more for making noise. When Jack and Oliver bark, they hear you two yelling "No bark! No, no bark!"

Your favorite thing to do is follow me around in the garden and ask for vegetables. I'll pick a small cucumber, or some beans, or a cherry tomato, and dust it off on my shirt before giving it to you. You both gobble them up and beg for more. When I have presented these foods to you on a plate, at the dinner table, you usually refuse to swallow them. But being in nature and eating directly from the food source seems to make them more appealing to you. I have to agree with you both on this one. There is something so delicious about food pulled right from the earth.

I hear you both in the morning chatting to each other. You like to wake one another up, Nat especially. Gabe is willing to lay back down and rest quietly since he wakes at such ungodly hours sometimes. Nat, when you wake up, you practically hop up before your eyes are open. You throw yourself to the edge of your crib and yell to your brother "Dabey!" while jumping enthusiastically. I only wish I had your energy in the mornings. You're still talking more and more,and taking more risks by saying words you always had your brother say for you.

We caught a sneak peak of what's to come in your adolescent and teenage years two weekends ago. We visited Grandma NeNe and Grandpa Bob for the weekend in Wisconsin. Our second night was spent at a concert up on Rib Mountain. The music was great and the view was spectacular, but you two seemed much more interested in flirting with the little girl named Olivia.
She was a few months younger than you. She caught both of your eyes. You toddled over to her, said "Hi!" while flashing your dimpled smiles. Then the acrobatics started. First one of you hung from the handrail on the side of the stairs. The second one, not wanting to be outdone, followed suit. Olivia may have been impressed, but since there were two of you, you needed to amp up your game to win her over. One of you jumped down and flopped over into a downward dog. Again, to keep it going, the second one threw himself to the ground in a sort of dance move kind of way. Our flirt fest with dear little Olivia was finished up with some good old hugs. You were both still trying to win her affection and the poor little thing was practically assaulted by your bear hugs and slobbery kisses. We had to pry you off of her, and distract you with some other exciting thing to look at. I walked away wondering where in the world you learned these wooing techniques? Your father must be sneaking into your room at night and conducting a Flirting 101 class.

The end of July is here which means that in a mere 3 months you two will be turning 2. It is bittersweet to say goodbye to your baby and young toddler years. Everyday you are growing bigger and are learning more. Before you know it, another year will have passed. I have to continually remind myself to slow down and appreciate the ride- the smooth parts and the bumpy parts. These are the best years, the years that are mine. I cherish the moments that you want to spend with me. A day will come when friends and girls are more important. A day will come when you leave home for good.

You are ours for such a short time.

Daddy Love

2011-07-12T13:49:00.002-05:00

There's something about watching my husband love his children that makes me fall in love with him all over again.

Outdoor Fun

2011-07-12T13:15:00.004-05:00

Gathering lavender

"Helping"

My ham

My other ham

.............................................................................

Dear Snowbabies

2011-06-28T21:17:00.003-05:00

Every three months I am reminded of my infertility when our statement from the cryopreservation clinic arrives in the mail.

We send off a check to keep you safely frozen in time.
I think about you daily.
Your brothers and I pray for you all every night before bed.

I wonder if you are boys or girls. Would you have Gabe's brown eyes, or Nat's wild hair?
Would you love reading as much as your daddy, your brothers, and me?
But mostly I wonder if I will ever be blessed enough carry you -in my womb and in my arms.

I know there is a chance that I will meet you one day.
But stories and unhappy endings from others leave me broken-hearted and worried. I am not guaranteed anything. I may never experience a pregnancy with you. I may never look into your eyes.

If I never meet you here on earth, I know that I will hold you in my arms in heaven.

It's Tough Staying Home

2011-06-15T13:17:00.004-05:00

Being a stay-at- home mother is a difficult job.
It's not harder that being a working mother. I don't agree with those that argue that it is.
I cannot imagine having to leave my children in the care of others while I trudge off to work an 8 hour day, and then come home and attempt to complete household tasks and spend quality time with my kids and spouse during the evenings and weekends. It seems like a huge stretch of self for one person.
But being a stay-at-home mom has it's own challenges.
I love my kids. I adore them. They are my world.
It's the fact that I am with them 24/7. That's what gets me.
I hear all their fits, all their screams. If they have a crabby day, then I am stuck with it all day.

Today, I would sacrifice my glamorous "Stay-At-Home-Mom" title for something as simple as "Cashier." I actually loved being a cashier in my teens. Scanning and bagging items may seem monotonous, but I felt like I was living out my dreams from pre-school. I lived in that dramatic play area. I rocked at Grocery Store.
I'm always using the self check-out and I secretly hope that those around me notice how amazingly quick I am at finding the SKU.

My kids were up at 4:30 this morning. For the day. Happy as clams. Jumping in their cribs, requesting to see Daddy and have some milk. I tried to politely explain in my sleepy state that it was still night time and that Daddy was sleeping, and that I had been too, until they so abruptly woke me from it.
Well, surprise surprise, they refused to believe me.
Attempts were made to put them back to sleep. I even convinced myself that if I lay in the big bed with them, like I used to, that they would go back to sleep.
My eyes were continually pried open, fingers were stuck in my ears, and up my nose. My stomach was used as a bongo drum.
I gave in and gave up on more sleep. They played in the nursery, looking at books, and rocking themselves in the rocking chair until Daddy came in at 6:15 to wish them Good Morning.

Overnight diapers have a large capacity for urine, but there still is a maximum capacity which my kids both managed to challenge.
Gabe was sitting on my lap watching Sesame Street. It was the 6:30 am showing, which makes me feel slightly better knowing that there are other parents out there with kids up early enough to watch at this time.
Gabe and I were cuddling and I started to feel a warm wet running down my leg. Sweet.
Starting out the day with a kid peeing on my leg. It's gonna be a good day, I can just tell.
Changed the 3 pound diaper full of pee. Changed out of my pee pants
Now 5 minutes later and Nat is sitting on my lap. An all-to-familiar feeling. Nat is peeing through his diaper onto my leg. For real. 2 pee throughs in a matter of 5 minutes. Awesome.

Off to Library Time this morning. We were 10 minutes late due to my inability to find a parking space, and finally finding one a block and a half away. We finally arrived. It was packed, but the boys loved all the people. Just more folks to look at. 3 Finger plays, 2 stories and one poopy diaper change later we are off to meet Auntie and Harper for a doughnut and some milk at the Bakery.
We walk outside. Cue the downpour. I race with the stroller to the car- 1 1/2 blocks away. Load 2 boys and a stroller into the car. Hop in and drive to the bakery.
We have our treats and milk and are ready to get settled.
Gabe insisted on holding and squeezing the living daylights out of the milk. I refused to let him squish the carton all over, so he threw a pretty good-sized fit. I'm sure the elderly man in the corner, attempting to read his morning paper rather appreciated the background noise of a screaming 20 month old.

My little angels are now napping quietly in their beds.
I am pumping myself up for a better 2nd half of the day.

It will be good. It will be good. It will be good.

And if it's not- tomorrow is a new day.

2011-06-12T20:47:00.008-05:00

We are gliding through the days and before we know it the summer will be over.

The summer sun is exaggerating the differences between Gabe and Nat.
Nathaniel has always taken after me in skin tone, and when the sun comes out he is still no different. While he has taken on a little color in his skin, it's usually pink, and all the pink really does is highlight the pale complexion behind it. His normally strawberry blonde locks are looking a little more yellow.
Gabe is continuing to take after his daddy. On Day 1 of sunshine this kid had a killer tan, even with the spf 50 slathered all over him. He continues to grow darker and darker and his sandy brown hair turns more and more blonde.

We made an exciting discovery a few weeks back. Nat no longer seems to have any gluten/wheat issues.
A few instances in which I knew he had consumed wheat had me bracing for digestive reactions, but we never saw any.
Normally a tiny bite of a wheat cracker, or even a spoonful of soup lightly thickened with flour would send this kid into a fit of screams, followed by a diaper blow out and a bottom so red and sore that it would bleed for days.
He had a bite of of daddy's regular pasta. No reaction.
A bite of my sandwich on whole wheat bread. No reaction.
A spoonful of grandma's bran cereal. No reaction.
We decided to throw all caution to the wind and make "real" pancakes for breakfast, not the usual G-free version. NO REACTION!
Life is much easier not having to worry about food allergies. I used to pack back-up options whenever we would go someplace to eat. A few slices of wheat-free bread, a container of quinoa pasta, rice crispy treats if there would be a dessert he couldn't eat. I had to plan every meal far in advance.
Our checkbook likes the new change, as well. Gluten-free eating is not cheap.

Our garden is growing.

I had images in my mind of the boys helping me in the garden.
Simple things like pulling a weed, or helping me to gather vegetables.
I've learned the hard way that they can't distinguish between weeds and desirable plants.
They're quite proud of themselves when they can pull a big bean plant or winter squash sprout all by themselves without mommy even asking for help!
We have reassigned their duties. Instead of helping to weed, they collect the rocks that we find in the garden and bring them to the "rock bucket."

While I am watering and weeding I would love if I could find them riding on their lawn toys, or playing in the sandbox, but they are usually standing on their lawn toys, riding the child-sized table like a horse or throwing and eating sand in the sandbox. Honestly, how much sand can a child consume and it still be considered safe?!
I love that they have imaginations and are interested in using their toys in unconventional ways, but why does their safety always have to be the thing they sacrifice in order to have fun with a toy?
With two of them there is always a brother watching to get ideas from and to encourage new discoveries.

2011-05-31T13:45:00.004-05:00

Craftiness has been keeping me busy and away from blogging lately.
While I don't have blog posts for folks to read, I do have 2 crocheted winter caps and sewn 2 sun-hats for the twins, a winter cap for our nephew, and one big mama-sized bag for me.
The sun keeps begging me to sit underneath it's warmth with a big glass of iced tea and my crochet needle during naptime.
Speaking of naptime... Can I start jumping up and down when I tell you that we have 2, 2+ hour nappers!?
It happened around the same time that Nat decided he was perfectly content and more comfortable in his crib by himself, for the whole night.
For real, it's pretty awesome to not a hear a peep from 8 pm until 6:30am. That nice, long nap is just the cherry on top of an already sweet sundae.

With yesterday being Memorial Day, the summer has begun, along with hubby's summertime hours. An extra hour Monday through Thursday, so that the weekends can begin at noon on Friday.
I was dreaming of these days all winter long and now that they are here- I love it!
Life is good, motherhood is great.

We did some grocery shopping this morning after playing at the park. The boys were sitting side by side, spinning the race car steering wheels in the obnoxiously large cart. We got the usual comments.
"How cute!"
"Looks like you've got your hands full!"
"Twins?"
"Bet they keep you busy..."
"How do you do it?!"
It takes an extra 10 minutes to shop because of all the people that like to comment and chat with us.
Gabriel and Nathaniel were putting on quite the show. They would not stop hugging one another. Big, arms wrapped around one another's neck kind of hugs. Gabe would get mad at Nat if he didn't hug back. Then Nat would get mad if Gabe didn't hug him back.
Then they comment as the food is bagged. "Bye-bye bananas, bye-bye milk, bye-bye crackers."

Naptime is getting close to finishing and my fingers are itching to get started on a new project.

Back Again

2011-05-18T20:49:00.007-05:00

Beautiful days have kept us busy. When the weather cooperates we pop in for lunch and a nap, then we venture out again.

Mother's Day came. A day to appreciate the women who raised us. A day to be appreciated as a mom for all the work you do, for all the love you give.
I was treated to a breakfast spread made lovingly by my hubby, just as he does every Sunday.
Nat and Gabe came marching into the bedroom, complete in pajamas and rain boots, dragging a large gift bag behind them. Nat spoiled the surprise, but created an even better memory, by announcing to me that the bag contained "Boots!" Garden boots for the large garden that will be planted by me and Grandma tomorrow, weather permitting.
Grandpa took us out to supper at a Thai restaurant.
Nat scarfed down Grandpa's meal ("3"out of "5" in the hot scale) and loved it. He would cry out "Hot, hot" after he took bites, but kept going back for more. Grandma couldn't handle her "2" She was out-spiced by an 18 month old. Daddy and I sat back and figured that we would be dealing with the backlash of letting him eat a meal not knowing if it contained gluten or not. We were surprised to find that he had no reaction whatsoever. Fingers crossed that he is outgrowing this intolerance!

We make a trek to the park almost daily. Nat is the adventurous one. He's a climber. You'll likely find him making his way up the equipment meant for kids over the age of 8. I'm right behind him, arms outstretched, ready to catch him when he falls. Gabriel takes the stairs meant for a child his age. He likes me to hold his hand or go down the slide with him for a couple of times until he feels confident enough to do it himself. The balance is perfect. I couldn't handle two wild ones at the park on my own.
Halfway through our walk back home I usually notice that the stroller passengers have become very quiet. This is usually the reason.

I scoop them up and lay them in bed where they nap extra soundly.

Last week brought a day of sweltering heat. It was a perfect excuse to head outside and turn on the hoses. They stripped down to their diapers and fought over who got to drink the water and doused themselves in ice cold wonderful.

Grandpa Doug had a few days off of work which meant a lot more of the boys staring out the window to his shop and yelling at him to come inside and play with them. Luckily for them Grandpa can make a mean over-sized paper hat.

*Note the pj shirt. While mama makes sure the twins share it equally, daddy thinks we should bribe them with it.

The 18 month well-child check told us what we already knew. We have kids who are geniuses. Okay, maybe their parents think they are geniuses, but the assessments and their doctor say that they are doing much more than is expected of them at their age. They excel in all areas of physical, social, and cognitive development.
They are perfectly healthy and are at the 75th percentile for both height and weight. Measurements are 33 and 33.5 inches, and 27 and 27.5 pounds. Gabe being slightly more tall and likely holding that extra 1/2 pound in his adorable Buddha belly.

I am feeling an overabundance of love towards them these days. They amaze me everyday with the things they do and say.
I look at them in awe and am amazed that they are mine. I can't believe that these two amazing, little beings grew in my tummy. I still can't believe that I get to be their mommy.

I found Gabe tucking in his sippie cup of milk this morning. He was playing quietly on the kitchen floor while I was preparing their breakfast. I looked up to find him carefully tucking a dishcloth around his cup, he gently brought it up to his chest, hugged it and said "Night night milk."

I've taken up crochet again. I dabbled at it before the boys were born. The only thing I had ever created was a scarf that I wore proudly for 2 winters until I lost it. The boys have seen me crocheting winter hats for them while they are eating their breakfast or lunch. I tell them I am making them hats. This morning while we were reading a book we came to a page about sheep. There was a picture of a ball of yarn to show what the sheep's wool is used for. Nat pointed to the yarn and said "Mama, hat."

Simply sweet. Simply amazing.

Blogger is broken for me

2011-05-14T11:26:00.001-05:00

For some reason my computer isn't allowing me on blogger for more than 2 minutes at a time.
Such fun things happening and I can't post about it.
I hope my computer won't be so wonky very soon.

Our Sleep Dance

2011-05-03T21:11:00.002-05:00

It's a routine that goes something like this.

Kiddos are sleeping great for a couple of weeks. Nat starts waking and screaming for Mama in the middle of the night because of bothersome teeth or an incessant cough.

Mama realizes that all Nat wants is a cuddle, so she lays down with him in the big bed in the nursery and he promptly falls back to sleep. They remain until morning. Our smart, little Nat catches on and slowly starts increasing his wake-up frequency to about 3 or 4 times a week, then it's nightly. Mama has gotten used to getting a full night's rest, so she just goes along with what he wants: a cuddle and to finish the night sleeping next to his best gal. After all, she and her husband have decided that they dig the whole Attachment Parenting thing.
They aren't full blown APers. They dabble in it. Wore the boys as babies at home, nursed as long as they wanted, were attentive to their cries right away, and sleep with them as needed.

Whoa! That's were the whole sleeping things gets a little fuzzy. The definition of "as needed" is quite different between Nat, myself, and my husband.

Anyway, back to our dance. Sleeping is fine for Nat and his mama, but Gabe starts noticing that when he wakes in the morning his twin is snuggling up next to HIS mama. So earlier and earlier Gabe is joining his mom and brother in the big bed.
Major problem. It has been noted that both our sons have inherited the "bed hog" gene from their parents. It was inevitable.
Joel and I both kick and elbow our way to comfort at night, hoping that the other will fall asleep first so that we can carefully encourage them to roll further towards the edge. I'm usually the winner. Joel never fights back.
Back in the nursery, I find myself sleeping on my side with my arm tucked directly under my head. I have about 5 inches of space on the outer portion of the mattress. Gabe is spread eagle on his back with his arms flung to his sides. Nat is positioned perpendicular to the two of us with his little feet digging into my hips and his head on his brothers stomach. We begin to wake one another at night with kicks to the face (them to each other and me, not me kicking them), losing sleep, until I have had it and decide that something MUST be done.
We start the sleep training. Nat screams and we comfort him, but don't take him out of his crib. We rub his back, hug him, and eventually he calms back down, eventually he lays down, and after a while we are able to leave the room again. It only takes a few nights, with multiple night wakings and they understand that they must remain in their cribs for the evening.

After every round of this dance, I always wonder how I managed to get into it again?

Tonight I got my answer.

Nat fought going to bed hard this evening. He screamed and screamed. I caved, as usual, and took him out of his crib and I lay down with him in the big bed. The instant his head lay on my arm when we spread out on the bed, his breathing slowed. His eyes slowly blinked. Once, Twice, then they closed.

It's like a drug. The ability to calm the cries of your child, so easily, with just your touch, just your presence.
That is what makes me do our crazy, little sleep dance.

I've said it before. My kids won't love me like this forever. I won't always be the center of their world. A kiss and a hug won't always take their pain away.
There will come a day that their pain with be much more than a scraped knee, or hurt feelings because of a brother who won't take proper turns with a toy.
Right now, I treasure these moments. The ability to comfort them by just being near.
It's magical.
I'll do the little Sleep Dance with my boys until they don't need me there anymore, and in the meantime my husband will get the whole bed to himself for a good chunk of the night.

Easter

2011-05-02T12:27:00.006-05:00

We had an amazing Easter celebration this year.
Mama and Daddy were given an unusual treat. Their little boys decided to finally let them sleep in until 7:30. Yahoo! It was wonderful, except for the fact that the Sunrise Service was at 7 am and no alarm was set. Why set an alarm clock when your children wake like clockwork at 6 am? Oops.

Getting all warmed up for our Egg Hunt

The sun was shining and the sky was bright.

A Few of Our Favorite Things

2011-04-18T20:55:00.012-05:00

Accessories
These two could play dress up all day long if you gave them coats, hats, shoes, and boots.

Bathtime
They love, love, LOVE baths

Makes my heart swell when I see little acts like these: helping wash one another's hair.

No bubble bash is complete without daddy blowing bubbles into the tub

Grandpa and Grandma
The visits aren't as frequent and as long as we all would wish them to be, but they are oh-so-sweet!

There's no escaping without a chorus, or two, of "Twinkle, Twinkle" and the "Itsy Bitsy Spider"

Outside

2011-04-12T13:24:00.000-05:00

I've got outdoors-men! Well, boys that love the outdoors. Watch out, I may end up with a wicked awesome ~~farmers~~ tan by the end of the summer!
I've remained sane with two wild boys thanks to a huge yard and not-so-cold, yet not not entirely warm, weather.
We've been filling our days with walks in the stroller and wagon, trips to the park, bubbles and sidewalk chalk, and trips down the toddler sized slide in the yard.
Thank goodness we've managed to FINALLY convert our 2 naps down into 1. It took a good month and a half to two months of transitioning, and we eventually got there. Now, if only Nat would learn to sleep as long as his brother. Gabe takes after his mama. I love naps and have been informed that my mother had to work very hard to wean me from my long afternoon siestas so that I could make it to Kindergarten. Joel, as we have been told, was never a good napper and was quite content with a quick 20 minute cat nap. We'll see what Nat winds up doing, but for right now an hour seems to suit him. Gabe is most happy with three, yet his brother tends to wake him up after one, which makes him a crabby, little man.

I am amazed at how these two seem more and more grown up everyday.
Gabe is our "talker." He always has been. He was the first one to babble, the first to utter a word. He repeats everything we say to him and learns at least one to two new words a day. I would have to guess that his vocabulary is somewhere near 100 words. This evening at dinner he attempted to tell Daddy about his day. It went something like this... "Mama, Nat, Gabey- bye bye", "Slide", "Night Night", "Park". Then there was a whole bunch of gibberish that I couldn't quite translate, but I know he was letting us in on some of his deep, dark secrets.
Nat is such a daddy's and grandpa's boy. If one of his "guys" is in the room, mama doesn't stand a chance at any attention. We are working hard on his words. He has quite a few, between 20 or 30. Right now he is much more interested in looking at books, riding on his toy trucks, and playing on his slide. His comprehension is there, he would just much rather his brother do all the talking for him.

I'll leave you now with a whole bunch of pictures. We've got more playing to do. Today looks like it's going to be a nice one and I've got two little boys due to wake from their naps soon.

Gabe showing off his very first cement burn on his first "official" day playing outside.

Nat and Daddy

Impressing Uncle Nate with his knowledge of body parts. EYES!

MOUTH!

NOSE!

Your Birth Story... 17 months later

2011-04-08T21:49:00.004-05:00

I've wanted to write this down so many times. I have written it in my head over and over since the day you were both born. I've talked it out with those that were there. To get the parts right. To fit the pieces together.
Your birth, it was going to be amazing.
It WAS amazing.
Two perfect, little boys came into the world that day. Your souls captured mine. Those two little beings that had grown from teeny, tiny cells entered the world.

I had planned it down to the last detail. I had my bag packed. I had your bag packed. I was ready for you. Waiting for you to let me know you were ready to meet me.

I would be surrounded by my favorite songs.Daddy would keep me calm. Grandma would be standing to the side of me, cheering me on. I would push you forth, working as hard as I had ever worked. I would see you for the first time, held high and announced into the world before the doctor lay you on my chest. I would tell you both how much I loved you. Tell you how long we had waited and prayed for you. Your eyes would gaze up at me and in that instant, I would know I was meant to be your mommy.
Just a quick kiss and a peek at your faces before you were whisked away for vitals, finger pricks, maybe some oxygen. Then off for more support since you were likely to be early arrivals.

I wish it had gone like that.

My birth story, the beginning of YOUR story, did not start out that way.

On the evening before you were born your Uncle, Auntie and cousin came over to visit us. We had a delicious dinner, we played cards, chatted. I lounged on the couch, swollen and bloated. It was my third full day off of bed-rest. I had overdone it on my first day by walking around in attempt to lure you two to arrive. It hadn't worked, and instead of inducing your birth, I had only made myself more sore and uncomfortable.
Our guests left before midnight. I washed up and got myself settled into bed. As soon as I lay still, you both decided it was time to wake up and start moving. You squished my bladder. With an exasperated sigh, I rolled myself out of bed.
Daddy was fast asleep. Practically out by the time his head had hit the pillow.
I hobbled off to the bathroom.
Useless... I didn't really have to go, but as I stood up I felt a warm trickle run down my leg.
Seriously!? I just wet my pants.
I went to change and as I bent over there was the trickle again.
This is ridiculous!
It was my third attempt at changing my pajamas when I suddenly realized that this wasn't an embarrassing loss of bladder control. This was my water breaking.
My water broke!!
I tried to wake Daddy up. Over and over again, yelling his name, and poking him.
He finally, stubbornly awoke.
It's hospital time, I said. These babies are coming. My water just broke.
I was expecting the movie version of a soon-to-be daddy's response. You know, the jumping up half asleep and driving off in the car with the pregnant wife standing and gawking at the crazy man she married. Instead, I got, "Can I go back to sleep?" as he rolled back over.

I made some phone calls to Grandma, your aunties, and the hospital. Took a quick shower, picked up the house and did some dishes. I took one last look around our house. I would return as a mother. Our new life as a family of four was about to begin.

Daddy and I left for the hospital shortly before 3 am.
We arrived and got checked in. Grandma arrived just minutes behind us. My vitals were checked, I changed into a gown, and I was hooked up to monitors in one of the triage rooms.Everything looked great.
They ran a test to make sure that my water had broke since my contractions were not considered "regular" enough to be admitted. When the swab came back positive for amniotic fluid they checked me into a labor and delivery room.
We all got settled. Grandma got herself situated with a movie. Daddy curled up for some more sleep on the couch. I rested on the bed and smiled at all that was happening around me.

Today was the day I was going to meet my sons. I was going to hold you both for the very first time. I would get to see the faces that I had spent so long imagining. I couldn't wait.
We had waited so long to become parents. It was finally here. The culmination of all of our years of work, years of prayers, years of tears.

The nurse entered the room and started hooking me up to the monitors again.

You had both always sounded so good. Good strong hearts. Good rhythm. Always within 5 beats of one another.
I wasn't all that concerned when she was having a difficult time detecting a heartbeat. It was a guaranteed challenge to keep you both on the monitors because of how you were positioned.
Baby B was always wiggling around, so we frequently lost his.
This time, though, it was Baby A causing us trouble. The nurse just couldn't pick his up.
She would think she got it, but it would turn out to be my heart or Baby B's.

After a few minutes my nerves started to kick in. Whatever we tried wasn't working.
I did whatever they asked of me.

We tried different positions. I flipped on one side, then the other.
"We got it."
"Never mind, it's gone again"...
More nurses...Turn this way...
"Call the on-call."...
We tried an Internal fetal heartrate monitor... It was a no-go, my cervix was still posterior and not dilated enough, ...
Even more nurses. "We got a heartrate! It's way too low, it sounds very irregular."...
"This can't be right..."
Roll this way...

"Call the on-call NOW!"

I tried to remain calm. I could sense the tension in the room.
Then the shaking started. Uncontrollable. My teeth chattered and my muscles spasmed.
Baby boy, are you okay? Please be okay?
"Sign this form, ma'am. Where's the doctor?"
Lord, please watch over these babies.
"He's on his way"

The doctor arrived a minute later and I was immediately whisked across the hall into the operating room.
He performed what felt like a split second ultrasound to determine what was happening with Baby A.
As soon as the wand touched my belly, I knew it wasn't good.
What I had always seen and heard as a rapid heartbeat was agonizingly slow. It didn't have the same sound or rhythm that we had been used to hearing.
Your heart sounded like it was working so hard to keep beating, and it wasn't doing a very good job of it.

I looked to the doctor for answers and some sort of reassurance. He said that we needed to get the babies out as soon as possible.

The room became frantic. I was hoisted on to the surgical table. The doctor and his nurse began scrubbing in and began to prep me with iodine on my stomach, and a catheter.
Daddy walked in, head to toe in scrubs. He was quickly asked to leave the room. He squeezed my hand, kissed my forehead, told me he loved me, and left.
I realized how uncertain the situation was. They didn't want your daddy in the room because they didn't know what they were going to encounter when you arrived.

I cried. I trembled.
My body still shaking from the adrenaline of what was happening.

I distinctly remember the doctor yelling at the surgical team to hurry. "Don't you people know what STAT means?!" were his words.
In a split second I was swarmed by a at least 7 more people from the medical team.
Signing papers, answering questions, IV's, blood pressure cuffs, heart and oxygen monitors. All at once. The hot tears hit my cheeks.
I couldn't breath.
I panted to the nurses that I couldn't breath. They held my hand, smoothed my forehead and told me to take deep breaths. They assured me there was oxygen getting to me through the mask.

"Tell me when she's out," the doctor said.
Just as they were drawing up the blue curtain over my chest, I looked down to see the OB standing with the scalpel in his hand, hovering over my stomach, waiting to deliver you.

Please, Lord. Take care of my babies... Go to sleep, go to sleep, hurry Anna, go to sleep.

I have never been so scared in my life. I have never felt so out of control. I surrendered. I gave my body over to the doctors. I had done all that I could as a mother. Now it was up to them.
I remember being nervous during the first 12 weeks of pregnancy. Every time I used the bathroom I was scared to see blood, to see the proof it was over. At each ultrasound and obstetrical check-up, I would hold my breath until we heard both heartbeats. I crossed my fingers until we got to 24 weeks, the age of viability. I had never once considered that that the life of my child could end, right before it was about to officially begin.

I awoke in recovery with a searing pain in my abdomen. They gave me morphine.
I blacked out again.
I woke again. More pain. More morphine.

I was finally able to fully open my eyes, and I searched the room for a nurse.
I was scared to ask how my babies were. Scared to hear the worst.

She said the most amazing words that I have ever heard.
"You have two healthy babies."
I closed my eyes and exhaled a sigh of immense relief. My babies were safe.

Gabe, my Baby A, arrived with a strong, rapid heartbeat. There was only a hint of a aarythmia. There was no explanation for why your heartbeat had dropped so suddenly, and why we had never once heard any irregularity before. Nat, my Baby B, arrived minutes later.
You were in the NICU for support. You were both big, healthy, and breathing on your own.
The first day of your life was a fog, a blur.
I remember feeling like I wanted to die. The pain radiating through my body was horrendous. I couldn't make sense of conversations.
When family arrived I broke down.
I had just given birth to you both, yet I hadn't even met you, hadn't even seen you.
Your grandfather, Aunt and Uncle arrived to meet you, yet you hadn't even met me.

For seven hours I waited.
Daddy asked if I wanted to see pictures of you. I didn't.
I wanted to meet you in person. I didn't want to see you on the screen of a camera.
I wanted to hold you. To touch you, to count your fingers and toes. To kiss your heads, breath in your scent while snuggling you to my chest.

For seven hours I halfheartedly listened to people around me make conversation.
As time went on I began to feel worse. My head throbbed. I couldn't talk or move without vomiting. I couldn't gather the strength to even keep my eyes open.

At 2:00pm in the afternoon, you entered my hospital room. You had been given permission to leave the NICU for 15 minutes to meet your Mama. Daddy pushed your little bassinet in and handed each one of you to me separately.
I could only hold you each for a few seconds until my strength gave out, and I would vomit again.
Everyone admired how perfect you both were.

I sat, in the fog of drugs, lack of sleep, and stared

It wasn't supposed to be like this. I wasn't suppose to feel like this. It was nothing like I had imagined.
I couldn't cuddle you and I desperately wanted to.
You could only stay a short time. You needed to get back on the monitors, and stay under the lights to keep your temperatures regulated.
I cried when you left.
I hadn't gotten to see you with open eyes. I hadn't held your hands, nor counted your fingers or toes.
That image that I had in my head of how our first meeting would go was nothing like this.

The surgery was described as "traumatic". The doctor cut fast and wide, skipping some of the usual steps in a cesarean to get Gabe out quickly, so I lost a lot of blood, and required a transfusion

My strength began to return while receiving the second unit during the blood transfusion. The sickness faded into the background. The physical pain diminished.
I closed my eyes and focused on the positive.

We had made it through. Our new life was beginning, so I grasped it, and held on.

My second meeting with you went better than the first.
There were tears, but they were happy tears.
I inspected your fingers and toes. All 20 fingers, 20 toes. Right where they should be.
I whispered how much I loved you and had waited for you both.

You looked at me. Your eyes grasped my soul.
It was what I had waited for, what I had prayed for.

No, it was not the birth story that I had imagined. It brings tears to my eyes when I retell it. I always feel envious when other moms talk about those first moments after giving birth. Those first minutes of their little ones lives while they lock eyes with their mothers, those first moments of nursing, the Golden Hour of bonding when you finally get to hold that child in your arms. That same child that you have held within your body for months.
In the end, it doesn't matter how you entered into the world. It just matters that you did.

It was an amazing beginning to what has been the start of two amazing, little lives.

To my beautiful, perfect little boys, Gabriel Douglas, and Nathaniel Robert. Your mama is so proud of you... everyday.

I love you both to the moon and back.

2011-03-31T09:02:00.003-05:00

I was going to post last night.
I was going to come on and rant about how I am feeling suffocated by my kids.
How I am tired of breaking up fights, I am tired of their naps being staggered so I get absolutely no break during the day.
I am tired of the screaming. Tired of the tears. Tired of being a needed ALL the time.
I can't turn my back without one of them climbing a table or pushing a chair up to the counter to retrieve some type of item dangerous to toddlers.
I feel guilty for thinking it and feeling it. I know that it's normal, that most mom's, especially SAHMs can feel like this from time to time.
I logged on, and on my reading list of blogs that I follow was an update from a fellow mother to twins.
One of her little girls died yesterday.
They were born very early. She and her sister had spent all of their lives fighting to live. All 7 months of her little life had been lived in a hospital, with tubes in her arms, her nose, and in her chest. They never got to bring her home.

Now she is gone.

My heart aches for her parents. Her sister will not have memories, only pictures to look at, of her identical twin.
I felt horrible, stupid, and guilty. These little things that irritate me, are things that her mother and father long for, and can no longer have with their child. The everyday things that I take for granted are little moments that they will never have.
My heart is broken for them. I can only hope that everyone's prayers will uplift them and get them through this difficult time.
I'm starting today with a new perspective. Life is so short, and so precious to take it for granted. My kids could be taken from me tomorrow and I would kick myself for feeling so selfish today.
I'll be hugging them closer, cuddling with them more, and saying a prayer of thanks for having all the time that I have with them.

Trucks, Balls and Baby Dolls

2011-03-28T21:35:00.001-05:00

I love watching my boys play.
I love seeing their interests develop.
I love noticing what intrigues them.
Every morning just around 7:15 the delivery trucks from across the road, at the distribution center, begin their daily routes.
Gabe and Nat have their cups of milk and snack holders filled with cereal. Mama has her cup of coffee. They stand perched at the window and watch as they drive by. We count them, note their color, decide if they will turn left and drive toward us, or turn right and drive away from us. It's how they begin their day.

After the trucks they move onto their other favorite activities. For Nat, it is usually playing with trucks, cars and tractors. Gabe loves balls- soccer, tennis, football, dog balls. It amused me that these two little boys, who have their pick of all sorts of toys naturally gravitated to the stereotypical "boy" toys.

Last week though, they began to mix it up. The stuffed animals began to get more hugs, kisses, and even cuddles.
The lone, naked Cabbage Patch kid became the favorite toy to play with. So much so, that I had to make a Target run to pick up another baby doll so they didn't scratch and bite one another while fighting over the solo baby.
So now my little boys are becoming pros at practicing their daddy skills. We've got the cuddling, hugs and kisses down pat. They bring me baby sized blankets and ask for help to wrap up their dolls. They share their nuks before their naps, and offer their babies a sip of their milk.

We're still climbing everything possible, filling up trucks with animals, building with blocks, throwing and kicking balls, catching bubbles, and eating crayons. Now we've just thrown "Playing Daddy" into the mix.

I have to say that I think it's one of the sweetest things I've seen. Baby boys perfecting their daddy snuggles.

Rivals and Best Friends

2011-03-21T08:47:00.000-05:00

I had to follow up the last post with what reality is for two young toddlers who share practically EVERYTHING.

For the most part, Gabe and Nat adore one another and get along really well.
They really don't know what life is like without the other being close by. In fact, if you would ask them, they are both named "Nat." Gabe is working really hard on his own name. It sounds like "Babe" at best.
I think I could count one hand the number of times that they have been separated from one another. Those were two emergency room visits and a scattering of Physical Therapy sessions when Gabe was dealing with Torticollis and Plagiocephaly. I'd like to start separating them more. For their own good, and for ours. It would be nice to be able to shower just one of them with attention and not feel guilty about it.

Last week we had a showdown. They seem to be happening a lot more lately. I think it's this whole independence stage. That, and the fact that they aren't able to verbalize their needs to one another.
Gabe walked up to Nat and, out of the blue, chucked the baby powder bottle that he had been holding at him. Nat was shocked and furious. Unfortunately for Gabe, Nat was holding a large toy truck and, in turn, bashed his brother in the head with it.
The screaming started. As did the hair pulling, scratching and attempted biting. I jumped in and tried to separate and calm them, one on each side of me.
Let's just say it wasn't a pretty sight.
Have you ever flipped past an episode of Jerry Springer? (I say "flipped past" because I'm pretty certain nobody would confess to actually watching that show.)
I would have to say we did a pretty good reenactment of a 'woman attacking woman with the big bouncer in between thing.' The fists were flying, lots of tears and screaming.
I had to laugh because there wasn't much else I could do at the moment. They were not listening to reason and they were both so upset with the other one.
The fighting died down withing a minute or so. I calmed their tears. Within 5 minutes they were playing as though nothing had happened.
It's little episodes like this that have me thinking. How do you encourage a strong relationship between siblings? Twins especially. There are a huge number of people who say that their twin sibling was their best friend. There is also a group of people who feel that their twin was/is their biggest rival.
My sisters and I were most definitely NOT best friends growing up. We got along as well as most sisters do. Drama and fights one week, great friends the next.
My sister, Ashley, is now one of my closest and best friends. We talk almost everyday. Our four year age difference was a huge factor when we were growing up. Now, it means nothing. I often forget that I am the older of the two of us.
I'd hope that Gabriel and Nathaniel remain close through the years. I can't imagine them without the other to lean on. The thought of them separating makes my heart hurt. Thankfully,we live in a state that offers the option of keeping them in the same classroom, if we decide to do that.

I'll just focus on the age that they are right now. Toddlers with attitudes and a ridiculous amount of energy. For real. Ridiculous amounts of energy.

Brothers

2011-03-11T22:21:00.000-06:00

Nathaniel started crying tonight. I recognized it right away as the cry he gets when he has an upset stomach and a sore tooshie.
I quickly ran through the menu of the day to determine what could be causing his problem. I'm sure it was too much fruit or some gluten or wheat that managed to work it's way in to his diet. Someday I am going to dedicate a post to how ridiculous it is that so many food items have gluten in them!
Once Nat starts this crying fit, it usually doesn't stop for a good 30 minutes or so after his diaper has been changed, he has a dose of acetaminophen, and an application of some heavy duty diaper rash cream on his butt.
I was trying my darnedest to calm him down, but nothing was working. Not silly songs, his favorite stuffed puppy,not even cuddles and kisses.
Along comes Gabe to try and save the day. Bless his adorable, little soul.
He was like a miniature magician trying to pull any trick out of his sleeve that he could think of, to calm his brother down.
At first, he came over and gave his brother a huge hug and kiss, but it didn't work.
Next he pulled out Nat's blankie and handed it to him, still nothing. He tried bringing him his OWN blanket, complete with a demonstration of how to wrap it around your shoulders and snuggle in. Nat still shrieked.
Then he brought out the train and blocks. He kept trying to get his attention saying "Nat, block, block." (except it sounded more like Nat, buck, buck) Still no luck.
Finally, Gabe walked over with the plastic link that he had been using as a teether to work his last molar through, and put it between his teeth. He leaned over and offered it to Nat with his mouth. A hand's free pass off. Nat took it with his teeth while giggling. Then Nat passed it to me and I caught it with my mouth. He burst into a fit of laughter, and with that, his sobs were quieted.
Gabe toddled away quite happy with himself while I sat there in awe of such a sweet show of compassion between a 16 month old and his twin brother.
It reminded me of the time when the boys were 3, maybe 4 months old. It was the "witching hour," and Nathaniel was crying inconsolably, as usual. Joel was at work and I was at my wits end. I was pacing our bedroom, swaying with a swaddled and nuk'd baby. Gabe, my chill kid, was propped on some pillows on our bed just watching the scene in front of him. I gave up and set Nat on the bed, next to Gabe, so I could take some deep breaths and "reset" my mind. Nathaniel rested his head on the pillow and gazed at his brother. Gabe turned his head to face Nat. Their noses were so close together that they almost touched. Instantly, Nathaniel stopped crying, his breathing slowed, and he closed his eyes to rest.
Usually, all a little one needs is their mama. When you've got a twin though, sometimes mama won't do. You need that person that knows you just as well,loves you just as much - your twin brother.

Hump Day: Zoo Time!

2011-03-09T20:57:00.000-06:00

A Week in Review

2011-03-08T15:32:00.000-06:00

Small bins are very much the sought after item. They fight over them constantly. The toys are tossed across the room just so they can crawl inside.

The "ball toy", as we call it, it the second favorite. It has a small slide meant for light weight balls to roll down. The balls disappear into a hole and come popping out the top of the toy. The basic premise of the toy entertained them for all of a week. Now, Gabe and Nat love to plug it up with whatever they can find. Kix (our wheat-free alternative to Cheerios) go spewing all around the room. The legos, duplos and Nuks just tend to get stuck in the tube until mom fixes it. Their most recent idea is to ride it around like a car, complete with "vroom" sounds, of course.

Gotta love little helpers! Post-breakfast and post-lunch they are wonderful little cleaners.

We discovered the joy of songs from Yo Gabba Gabba. Gabe absolutely loves to attempt to say "Yo Gabba Gabba" but is sounds more like "Flablahshavfla." If you aren't familiar with the show, you have to check it out. I had heard a lot about it, but I had never seen it. It's quirky, educational, and oh-so fun and entertaining.

Daddy found that Gabe loves basketball on television. He'll actually watch it. These two don't sit still for more that 3 minutes in front of the tv, which I am very happy about. When a basketball game comes on he yells "ball!" and proceeds to bounce up and down (mimicking the dribbling of the ball, I assume) with his eyes glued to the set. It's hysterical.

Nat is obsessed with nipples, yes, nipples. He tries to find his own, grabs his brothers and attempts to pull everyone's shirt down to determine if they, like him, have nipples.
He has also started becoming more "independent." That's my nice way of saying that he has started throwing tantrums and screaming when he doesn't get his way, or isn't doing something that he would like to on his own. He has also entered the biting stage. Unfortunately, having a twin brother as a readily available target makes life a bit more difficult for mommy, but mostly Gabe.

Lost Stork

2011-03-07T21:26:00.000-06:00

Lost Stork is an amazing foundation started by a friend of mine, Meghan Swann. We were brought together almost 5 years ago when a large group of women, who happened to meet on line, all had the desire to become mothers. Many of them became pregnant shortly into our friendship, but others took longer. Meghan and her husband, Charles, also traveled the road of infertility. They learned first hand, as did Joel and I, how financially draining infertility can be.

Most people don't realize how much it truly costs to become parents when it doesn't happen "naturally." Whether you decide to pursue fertility treatments, or adopt a child or an embryo...it all costs money.
The Swann's started the Lost Stork Foundation. Last year they kick-started their foundation by selling cookbooks as a way to raise money. Most recently, Meghan had to turn away 3 women because there was no money to give them. I ask you now to please support Lost Stork. The cookbooks are only $10.00. $13.95 with shipping. Any little bit helps.
Buy one for yourself, or buy a few to give away as gifts. Any little bit helps.
Follow her blog, use her button, spread the word.

Joel and I have our little boys. Meghan and Charles were blessed with their little miracle, Madelyn, this past October. There are many more couple out there, wanting and waiting to become parents.
Please help this foundation.

And it only took 16 months...

2011-03-04T10:38:00.001-06:00

Joel's alarm went off this morning at 6am.
For the first time in 16 months I awoke to the sound of an alarm clock and not that of a screaming child.
For the first time in 16 months BOTH of my children slept through the night without crying out for me.
Hallelujah!!
I knew that it would happen...someday.
I slept a solid 8 hours without needing to tend to a baby.

I went downstairs and poured myself a cup of coffee.
I sipped its deliciousness with the dark of the morning surrounding me, and the still of sleeping babes.
Then their daddy and I quietly cracked open the door to their room and woke them with a "Good Morning" song.
It was amazing.
Maybe this will be our new routine. One can wish, right?

Enough Already!

2011-02-28T20:14:00.002-06:00

Would you believe me it I told you my kids were sick again?!
Believe it.
It's so frustrating.
I disinfect, I clean. They eat healthy, well-balanced meals, drink lots of milk and water, get good amounts of sleep. We take our Vitamins, Fish Oil and a daily dose of probiotics. We avoid the sick kids.
I am SO OVER winter. This winter will go down in history as the one of the hardest.
I think that maybe we keep getting sick because there is double the exposure to germs. Once one of the boys get sick, the other is guaranteed to get it.

My sister and I were running errands with the kids in tow, and Nathaniel kept coughing and coughing. I noticed that he felt really warm, so when we returned home I took his temp. 104.7...rectally.
Poor kid. One trip to the doctor's office 30 minutes later and we were informed that while his lungs sounded clear, he was working very hard to breathe due to a very enlarged right tonsil. So enlarged, that it left him with a tiny airway and the doctor contemplated sending us to the hospital for a dose of steroids to shrink it.
I decided against the hospital since, of course, Nat was running around the clinic room giggling and laughing. He was having THAT hard of a time breathing. The demeanor of my children never helps me determine how sick they are.

I chose to return home with a prescription for some antibiotics. We figured that he would be spending the night in the pack-n-play next to our bed so I could keep an ear open for his breathing.
Go figure that five minutes after I drift off to sleep, I can't hear him breathing, and not because he has stopped, it just got really quiet.
Change of plans. He is crashing with mom tonight, so that I can make sure he continues to inhale and exhale throughout the night.
It's four days later and now Nathaniel is on the mend, and Gabe is struggling through the day.
Will it ever end? I am hoping that this is strengthening their immune systems and that next year will be better.

Update: Not even 20 minutes after I posted this entry did Gabe wake up screaming with a temp of 105.6. Keeping in mind that I had put him to bed an hour and a half earlier with a dose of ibuprofen to bring down his, then temp, of 103. We headed off to the ER (seeing as it was 9 at night, so our clinic was closed). Three hours later we returned home with a diagnosis of a respiratory virus and our very first ear infection.

2011-02-17T13:36:00.000-06:00

Maybe its the warmer temps outside. It could be that my formerly sick kids are sleeping better, so now mama is sleeping better. Perhaps it was a full weekend of spending quality time as a family.
Whatever it is... I love it. I am feeling refreshed and excited about life again.
I am counting the days until I see green buds on the trees.

We had been itching to get outside. The above freezing temps allowed us to head outdoors and explore our surroundings. We made our very first snowman together.
Gabe didn't seem to care too much for it, and spent most of his time either crying or attempting to climb our legs.

Nat loved it. He giggled when we through the snow up into the air. Took bites out of the snow balls that we made for him. He didn't even make a fuss when he fell face first into the snow when we took a trip in the sled around the yard.
They fell in love with their first taste of "hot cocoa". Our version of it was warm milk with about a teaspoon of the chocolate mix.

On Sunday we ventured up to the Zoo. It was such an amazing sight to see their reactions to all of the animals.
Our boys, even though they are twins, have been so different from one another since the day they were born.
Nat was so outwardly vocal about his joy in watching the dolphin show. He clapped, and waved and laughed. His eyes sparkled and he bounced with excitement.
Gabe just watched intently. His mouth open wide. I could see his little brain working and trying to figure out what it was that he was seeing. He has always been the "thinker", the "explorer." Occasionally I would see a small grin cross his face.
They both enjoyed themselves, but they do it in their own way, with their own style.

It is one of my very favorite things about having twins. I love seeing how their unique personalities come out in every little thing they do. From their sleeping patterns to the way they react to a new environment.
They are constantly changing. One month Gabe will be my shy-guy and Nat will be outgoing and assertive, the next month they've done a 180. They love to keep me on my toes.

We are looking forward to an upcoming weekend with Grandma and Grandpa. It's been a month since we saw them last and I know that the boys have changed a ton.

A Whole Lot of Love

2011-02-14T16:32:00.002-06:00

I saw the love of my life for the very first time on a Saturday night. I was standing with a group of other freshman at a get-to-know-you campfire on the day I moved in to the dorms at college. I spotted him across the fire with a big group of guys. For a moment, time stood still. Unfortunately,as hard as I tried to will him to look at me, the look wasn't reciprocated. He never even turned my way. From that point on I couldn't get him out of my mind. There was "something" about him that drew me to him.
I was ecstatic when he turned up in my library tour group the next day. I convinced myself that he was staring at me while the librarian was going over how to locate items in the library. It later turns out that he had still not noticed me. More than likely, he now tells me, was that he was "spaced out" in my direction.
We finally met on the third day of college.
He was slick. A charmer. A flirt. He did the greatest impressions, and told the funniest jokes.
I tried to play it cool. Pretend I wasn't interested in him. It seemed to work a little too well. He paid me no attention. In fact, he barely talked to me when we were together with others. My heart was crushed.
Fast forward a week. Word got out that I was interested in him and word got out that he was interested in me. Gasp! This cocky, cool guy who I was convinced had never noticed me, actually liked me. So much, in fact, that he was too nervous around me to talk.
One night, our friends made up an excuse to all quickly leave while we were hanging outside in the courtyard. The two of us were left alone. Not wanting to say goodbye and end our night so soon, we decided to take a walk. The walk lasted 7 hours and ended at 4 am the next morning.
We talked about everything: our family, our homes, where we lived, past relationships, interests, beliefs, we shared stories, adventures, and life plans.
I had never met someone that I felt so comfortable with.
I fell hard. Within weeks we both knew that we were meant to share out lives together.

That was almost 13 years ago. This summer we will celebrate our 9th wedding anniversary.
Every day I fall more and more in love. He still makes me laugh like I did on the night of our very first walk. I still get butterflies when he walks in the door after returning home from work.

When I look at our family, at our two little boys, I remember back to all those dreams we created together when we were young.

This is better than we could have ever imagined.

If I could wish something for my children. It would be to find a love as amazing as the love that I share for their father.
This love is magic.

To my One and Only on this "Day of Love." I know we don't need a special day to say it, because we say it and try to live it everyday, but here it is just because. I love you to the moon and back. Forever and always.

"If you live to be a hundred, I want to live to be a hundred minus one day, so I never have to live without you."
-Winnie the Pooh

Hump Day

2011-02-09T14:27:00.001-06:00

There's nothing quite like watching Grandpa Doug and Daddy shovel the driveway!

Nat's hair fresh from an afternoon nap. This takes talent people.

Mr. Gabe still looking a little under the weather.

Sick of it

2011-02-06T20:26:00.001-06:00

This winter has surely done a number on this family.
Stomach flu, colds, colds, and more colds, croup, and now...pneumonia.

I decided to bring the boys to Urgent Care on Friday night because I just didn't feel right about the length of time they had been sick. They checked out fine on Monday, except for Croup, but they had become very lethargic and their normally huge appetite had decreased to almost nothing. Nat started running a fever, and I was pretty sure that I could hear a rattling in Gabe's chest.
Off I went to the clinic with Grandpa assisting with the job, since their daddy was working.
I sat in the waiting room, feeling like a total tool, while my kids climbed chairs, said "Hi!" to everyone that entered, and pretty much looked like completely healthy kids.
We did the usual- met with the nurse, and doctor. They listened to the boys breathing and took their oxygen levels. Then they sent me off with them for chest X-rays because their chests sounded congested and their oxygen levels were low. While I wrested with one kid to get X-rays taken, Grandpa was nebulizing the other. The X-rays showed that both of my little men had pneumonia.

As luck would have it, not only were my kiddos sick, I got sick too. It was some crummy virus that gave me the "hit by a bus" aches and pains, and stomach upset. I had to suck it up and wear my "mommy hat" Friday night until Joel got home.
He wins the Daddy of the Year award for this weekend. He actually deserves it everyday. I couldn't have asked for a better father for my kids. I have attempted to sleep the illness away, accompanied with popping ibuprofen, drinking tea, and soaking in hot tubs. He fed, diapered, medicated, and took care of night wakings for our two sick boys. He'll head off to work tomorrow, work 8 shifts in 5 days, and still be as completely present in our children's lives as you can be. Loving them to bits and pieces, reading, snuggling, and pretty much adoring them to death.
In short, my husband rocks.
My sleeping seems to have restored me to 80%, which I'll take.
I can see little bits of my healthy boys returning.
Gabe is talking up a storm, and Nat is climbing and dancing on chairs.
I'm hoping that tonight's rest will fully restore us so that we can have a fun-filled week of exploring and learning.

Oh, Croup!

2011-02-03T20:26:00.002-06:00

You've been sick for forever.
Yep, just checked the calendar and it's been a long, long time.
The end of the flu brought with it a nasty cold-type virus.
It's a bugger. We've all had it. Auntie, cousin, Grandma, Grandpa, Daddy, Mama and both of you.
Unfortunately, poor Gabe's turned into Croup. Poor little guy.
You just keep coughing and hacking, as does Nat, but you start crying and whimpering from the pain in your chest.
Your doctor's not concerned. Your lungs both sound okay. This virus going around is just really long winded.
I'm looking forward to getting things accomplished again when you are both feeling better. I can't wait until we get back into some sort of routine.

Don't get me wrong. I've enjoyed all the snuggles that being sick brings with it.
What I haven't enjoyed are the snotty noses being wiped on my shoulders.
Seriously. You both have the worst timing. I go to wipe your nose and you quickly dart and turn your head away, and end up smearing your drippy nose across my previously clean shirt.
Your coughs keep waking you both up at night, and you need me to give you sips of water, find your pacifier and tuck you back in. Half-way through the night I have given up on sleeping with daddy in our bed. I bunk with you two on the full-size bed in your room. Inevitably, you are both asleep next to me in the morning.
Your naps have been all off. I'll get 15 minutes here or there out of you. Not together though. No, no. That would be far too easy!
This is the first time in a week that you have both been asleep in your cribs at the same time. We'll see how much longer it will last. I've gotten 15 minutes of solitude so far.

Cue the cries.

I miss my healthy boys. The ones that run around and play with blocks and cars, and ask to turn the light switches on and off 30 times before mama gets annoyed.

For real now. I hear one of you crying.

I'll continue tonight, I guess.
.
.
.
.
After lots of rocking and cuddles you are finally asleep for the night.

I've got a doctors appointment tomorrow. Just the annual check-up. Only this time I need to get a prescription for birth control.
Weird.
Birth control.
I thought I would never need that stuff again.
It's possible that I don't. My fertility doctors told me that after pregnancy my "issues" could be fixed.
We aren't willing to risk finding out if they are fixed.
We've got frozen embabies. Brothers or sisters waiting to make you two big brothers.

Sometimes I get the baby itch. If it were less complicated and didn't cost thousands of dollars I might seriously consider it... might.

But not now. I feel guilty enough as it is trying to split my time and cuddles between the two of you. I can't imagine a new one quite yet.
Give me time.
Maybe a year, maybe two.
For now I will enjoy my 2 little boys.

Hump Day: Learning to Take Turns

2011-01-26T21:30:00.000-06:00

King of the rocking chair!

Please, Nathaniel?

Help, mama!

Success!

Growing Up

2011-01-25T22:33:00.001-06:00

My little nursling has weaned.My nursing days are over for now. With the trip to Grandma and Grandpas, and back-to-back illnesses I knew that there wasn't much left of a supply.
I also knew that our days were numbered when morning milk/snuggle sessions only lasted a few minutes.
The last time he nursed was a week ago when we were all sick with the flu. He nursed and then we napped, and then he apparently decided he was done... for good. That was the end of that chapter in our lives.
He has not requested anymore from me.

Nat lasted until 10 months when he decided he was through. I, being the "gotta keep it all equal with my twins" paranoid mom, pumped milk for Nat until they were established on whole milk.
Gabe nursed for almost 15 months.
I am proud of myself. Proud that I accomplished this goal.
I wanted to nurse my children until they were ready to be done. I just hoped that they would be done before they started school!
When the boys were wee little ones I wanted to give up so many times. It was so difficult, so emotionally and physically draining. Joel kept encouraging me to continue. I wanted so badly to quit, but he kept telling me not to give up. He knew that I would have regretted it down the road. I would have been disappointed in myself. I would have let my anxiety get the best of me. When there is a challenge set before me, I tend to run. I knew he was right. As much as I wanted to yell at him and tell him how hard it was, I knew he was telling me what I wanted to hear.

Somehow I made it. Armed with my trusty double electric pump, homemade hands-free pump bras, and a twin nursing pillow, we did it.
I hugged that breast pump before I packed it up and put it in the closet. No lie.

I'm giving extra cuddles these days to make up for our special time together.
I'm enjoying the surprise hugs from behind from both boys. We're giving lots of kisses, completed with big "Muuahh!" sound effects.
The new game is to point at every object in the room and ask "Uh Dah?"(Translation: What's that?)
We're enjoying life. Enjoying all that growing up brings with it.

On a side note.
We had a successful sleepover. Yes, he is grasping a book in his sleep. I can't tell you how many time I catch them sneaking off to the nursery to quietly look at books these days. They are going to be "readers" just like mama and daddy.

Baby, It's Cold Outside

2011-01-21T21:57:00.000-06:00

These temps have me shivering even while inside layered in clothes, snuggling under blankets.
The end of January, February, and March are always so hard. The magic of winter is gone, yet Spring is still so far away. We are feeling very cooped up with the bitter cold temperature outdoors.
We ventured out to the store yesterday for some diapers, and coffee. (The most important things around here). My poor little guys were whimpering in the blustery wind while I fumbled with the stroller straps. I promised them that we would stay home until it warmed up a little.
Gabe and Nat's new word is "snow." We constantly look out the windows and talk about all the white snow on the ground. It's wonderful to see their eyes light up when the snow is falling from the sky.
We were able to venture out earlier this week for a playdate at our friend C's house. Auntie Ashley and Harper were there, as well C's twins cousins.
2 sets of sisters and 6 kids under 2.
It was fun chatting with another mom with twins. Especially since her twins are only 2 weeks older than Gabe and Nat.
The kids all seemed to love it.
I can tell you that I am really looking forward to ECFE classes starting up again in a few weeks. The walls in this house are really starting to close in around me.
Lucky for me, my husband asked me out on a date! Tomorrow night, my parents will be watching the children while we head out to dinner and a party with his coworkers.
Sadly, I think it's been 5 months since we had a proper date-night. We are long overdue

.

Hump Day

2011-01-18T20:51:00.000-06:00

Early Mornings

2011-01-17T06:54:00.000-06:00

It's not even 7 am and we have been awake for almost 3 hours, yes, 3.
That would be a 4 am wake-up, folks.
It's cringe worthy.
I'm thinking it's the coughing that woke them up. I'll be heading to the store this morning for some Honey Elixir.
I'm downing coffee right now like it's going out of style.
These wake times have me counting down the days to the time change in March. At least 6 am won't seem as bad as 5am.

We've been having nightly warm baths lately. While we usually do every-other day scrubbings in the winter to avoid drying out delicate skin, we've taken to nightly ones to help loosen up tight chests and clean out stuffy noses.

I'm quite sure they love it. Bath time is one of their very favorite activities.
Gabe managed to jump into the tub fully clothed a few weeks back. No worries, I was just outside the bathroom door with Nathaniel. I did have to attempt to teach him that we must wait for mama or daddy before hopping into the tub.

A mother's job is never done, so I must be off to prepare the little ones some breakfast.
Hoping for a longer night sleep tonight.

A Sleepover

2011-01-16T09:33:00.000-06:00

Gabe and Nat made their first attempt at a sleepover. It didn't go so well.

We had just finished reading a small stack of books and they indicated that they were ready for a nap. Instead of walking over to his own crib and putting his hands in the air, like a sort of "Lift me up, mama." Nat walked over to Gabe's crib, Gabe followed, and the asked to get in.
I thought "Why not? You are the ones wanting to try it." I'm sure there will come a day when I find you both cuddled in one bed. We might as well try it in a crib."

So I scooped them up. Got them all snuggled next to one another. Gave them their nuks, their stuffed animals and covered them with their blankies. They were both giddy, but Nat quickly rolled over and attempted to sleep. I kissed them and left the room. Not two minutes later the screaming started. I gave it a minute, thinking that they might get it figured out on their own. When the yelling didn't stop I checked on them.
There was Gabe sprawled out, face up and spread eagle, on top of poor little Nat. Both nuks and blankies were on the floor. Apparently while Nat was hoping for some snuggle time, Gabe was looking for a full-out wrestling match.
I put them in their own cribs, gave hugs and kisses and told the boys that they can try a sleepover when they are a little bit older.

They're both sleeping like angels.

Flu

2011-01-12T21:06:00.000-06:00

We've been hit.
With.
The Flu.

Yes, almost every person in this home has managed to get the stomach flu.
It started with Nat on Sunday. I, being the super quick thinking mama, took 3 occasions of him puking to actually realize that he was sick.
Big Duh.
Sunday overnight was a struggle. He was vomiting a good portion of the night. I alternated between changing sheets, and changing runny diapers. Sometime around 2am, he crashed.
Both of the boys were crabby and fussy on Monday. I was feeling like I was getting sick. They screamed. So I brought them to bed with us. We were vomited on, a few times. Then I got sick.
I would race to the bathroom to be sick while the boys would scream "mama!" It went on for hours.
We were all finally settled, bellies emptied of contents, around midnight. Joel and I split up, each taking a kid with us. Him in the nursery with Nat. Me in our room with Gabe. We got a solid four hours of sleep.
The boys lounged with me in bed the next day. I threw my typical rules out the window and actually let them stare at PBS kids shows while we slept on and off throughout the day.
Joel, the amazing husband and father that he is, did loads of puke stained laundry and ran errands to pick up Pedialyte and Gatorade.
My not-so-nice husband picked at me for being a "cry baby" when I'm sick. I kindly reminded him that the stomach flu is no laughing matter and that he should be careful because he would likely get it. He laughed and made some comment about how he never gets sick.
It is now Wednesday. Gabe, Nat and I are feeling quite a bit better.
Joel has been sick all day.
He's in bed, with 2 layers on. Under 2 blankets and a down comforter with 2 pillows covering his head.
I asked him how he was feeling earlier. His response was faint,since it's coming from under 2 pillows "I feel like dying."
I asked if he needed anything.
"I need you to kill me now."
We're hoping to get back to normal tomorrow. Naps are still a little longer, and bedtime is still a little earlier.
I think we'll be caught up on laundry in a week or two.

Hump Day

2011-01-12T15:44:00.000-06:00

Notice the trend? They've decided that they don't care to wearing pants lately. I don't bother with the fights after diaper changes, and they're getting quite good at pulling them down on their own.

Breakdown or breakthrough?

2011-01-06T20:26:00.000-06:00

It was one of those days.
Those days when you wake up dreading the start to the day. Perhaps it's been the lack of sleep. The nights filled with soothing the one teething babe, and the other babe with open sores on his tushie because he ate something that didn't agree with him again.
They give way to 5 am mornings. When the sun won't shine for another few hours.
Coffee cups are filled, and filled again.
The crying starts, the climbing, the falls, the tears, the screams.
Nat screamed through his morning nap, and Gabe screamed through the afternoon one.
The packing for this weekend's trip was put on the back burner.
It's like a slow boil starts in your body, the temperature rising little by little until something gives way.
I lost it today. My voice was too loud, my words too stern.
I reached my breaking point.
I broke down.
I knew it was coming. I could feel it. My yells that were met with giggling boys quickly turned to sobs.
I cried. The hot tears streamed down my face. Sobs of frustration and exhuastion.
My boys knew that mama was not okay. I was given sweet hugs and kisses. Yet I didn't feel any better. Their sweet actions that would usually melt my heart did nothing. I was spent.
I know that I need some time for me. I need to concentrate on Anna for some time.
I haven't had a stretch a time away from them for some time now. In fact, it's been 2 months. In early November, when Joel and I ran back up to the Cities to finish the last of the packing. It was the day that Gabe decided to start walking, just one week after his 1st birthday. It was 8 hours.
The longest I have ever been away from them was 11 hours.
Yes, I have it marked down to the hour.
They have never spent a night away from their mama in their short 14 month lives.

Tonight will be the first.

I couldn't go on the weekend trip to Grandma and Grandpas. While I would love to have a visit and a change of scenery. I know that in the end when we returned home I would be stretched a little thinner. Right now I don't have much more to stretch before I snap.
Trips are hard, and I usually end up more exhausted than usual due to bad nights of sleep and terrible napping.

So tonight mama said goodbye to her boys for the next 48 hours. They will travel with daddy to Wisconsin.
Not just for one night away, but two.
My heart was aching, but I know it is for the best.
I'm taking the next two days and living the hell out of them.
Full nights of sleep - I haven't had one of those since before the boys were born.
A long hot shower without the screams of little boys wanting to get out of their playpen.
A cup of hot coffee at about 8 am. Yep, I am sleeping in until 8! Sounds delicious right about now.
I might even see a movie by myself.
I am hoping to spoil myself like I have been wanting to do since I was pregnant.
There are just as many not-so-fun tasks
Sorting through the ever growing bins of outgrown clothes. There are baby books that have been needing to be updated for about 10 months or so. The task list is a mile long and would probably take me a good month to complete with my little monkeys getting into to everything. I'm hoping to get it finished in the next 2 days.
I'm going to miss my babies like crazy.
I am hoping that at the end of this weekend I will feel refreshed and ready to be a full-time mom again.

Hump Day

2011-01-05T19:51:00.001-06:00

Last Christmas. Slumbering babes cuddling on warm bodies.

This Christmas. Bundled up and taking our first sled ride.

What a difference a year can make.

These little men are keeping mama quite busy lately. I can never turn my back on either one of them (hard when there are two) We've managed a number of bumps and bruises with all of the climbing that has been attempted lately. I have never seen such active kids.
They have attempted to climb everything. Highchairs, dining room chairs, coffee tables, safety gates, turned over toy buckets, racks in the dishwasher.

There have been a number of occasions in which I rescue one down from the piano, and turn to see the other one on top of the dining room table. Seriously.
I'll be glad when they are old enough to start gymnastics.

A New Year

2010-12-31T10:34:00.000-06:00

I sit here typing, little ones just down for their morning nap, and I reflect upon the last year.
I remember where I was last year at this time. Physically and emotionally.
I was sitting at home,alone while my husband was working. I was probably listening to newborn twins scream at me. I'm sure I was juggling them on my knees and over my shoulder- covered in spit-up, breastmilk, and tears. I was thinking of the New Year to come. How would I survive 2010?!

2010 was a hard year. A joyous year. A year of change. A year of truly becoming a mother.

I made numerous comments to my husband in the first months of the boys' life that I didn't enjoy motherhood. In fact, I hated it. He would hug me and remind me that our babies were so young, that it wouldn't always be like this. It was true. They grew so fast. Those months of crying babies and the endless cycle of nursing, supplementing and pumping were short lived. Those days when I felt like a failure, like I had no idea what I was doing have blossomed into more. I will continue to have days when I feel like I have lost my mind. When I feel like I have lost myself. Only now I understand that they are just bad days. They will end, and new days will begin. Days when I have a handle on things, when naps go well, when baby boys don't get hurt, when there isn't so much crying. I understand how to be a mother, and how to balance it with being Anna.

That was the biggest obstacle in 2010- finding myself again. Once the boys were born, I never thought about ME. It was all about them, my family. I felt like I had lost my identity, like as soon as my babies were born, that Anna was gone. I had spent years trying to become a mother, and somehow as soon as I became one, the person that previously was, had suddenly disappeared.
I thought that as soon as they were born, the book of my life that had been previously titled "Anna" would now be "Anna, subtitle Mama." Instead my book was titled "Mama...milk machine... sleep deprived maniac...crying mess...who in the heck is Anna?!" It took months and months for me to become ME again. I had to accept that the idea of what motherhood in my head looked like, was not necessarily what motherhood really was.
Motherhood is challenging. It's the hardest job there is. You could be a baby whisperer to every baby in the world. Able to soothe any child you come near, quick with an idea or solution to any problem a little one may have, but as soon as you have your own it changes. You become this mess of worry. You question every thing you do. Is it wrong? Is it right? Are you going to mess your kid up?
It took a long time for me to realize how I wanted to do things. What did I do? I closed the books, and stopped scouring the internet for answers. I looked into my heart and did what felt right.
The transformation was a slow process. I had to take it a day at a time. Four months was the "magic" age for twins. It was the age when most parents of multiples agree that it gets easier. It was true for us to. I made a conscious decision to get myself out of the rut. I got out of the house. Wandered stores and malls, whatever I could to feel human again.Slowly it worked. By the time the boys were 7 months I was a pro at popping them in and out of car seats and strollers with one in each arm. I read, I took time for myself without my children. I had to learn that they WERE a part of me, but that I was no less of a person without them near.
In this past year I have learned that I am more than just a mom. I may not work outside the home, but I work damn hard IN it. I give 100% to my kids during the day. But as soon as they are in their cribs for the night, it's ME time. A glass of red wine, an interesting book or movie, a chat with a good friend on the phone. Something to remind me of life outside of children.
This past year, this year 2010. It was hard year. Probably the hardest of my life so far. It changed me. Made me stronger. Made me more appreciative of my own mother.

How do I feel about motherhood these days? It's the best job in the world. I wouldn't change a thing. I adore my children. There are days that I wish I worked outside of the home. Days when I want to use my mind for things other than reading the same board book 30 times in a row. I'd love to be able to eat a meal without having to spoon mouthfuls of organic gluten-free mac and cheese into toddler mouths, in between my own bites. I wouldn't mind listening to an intelligent conversation instead of Raffi singing 5 Little Monkeys.
I always have to take a step back and reevaluate my situation. On days when my boys need their mama a little bit more, I can give it to them. I don't have to say "goodbye" and head to work. I can cuddle them with their blankies all morning, and snuggle them while they nap. It's a blessing.
These boys are constantly smothered in hugs and kisses. They hear their mama thank the Lord for them every single night when we say our prayers.
They make me a better person. They have transformed me and I am ever grateful to them for it.

2011 will be a wonderful year. Full of memory-making potential. Full of more firsts. Including their first "baby" cousin due to arrive this July.
I can't wait.

2010-12-29T15:20:00.000-06:00

My Favorites

2010-12-29T14:49:00.001-06:00

Lately you have this way of melting my heart and making me giggle uncontrollably.

It's they way you both run/walk up to me for an unsolicited hug and slobbery kiss.

It's when I find you hugging one another while looking at pictures in a book.

It's when you constantly share your food with Jack. How you say his name and hold out a piece of delicious cheese, or toast, or avocado. He takes the food, yet lingers to lick the sticky off of your fingers. You giggle because it tickles.

It's the way you say "Uh-oh!!" BEFORE you purposely drop your sippy cup or spoon on the floor.

It's the way you attempt to imitate mama doing push-ups. How you, Nat, get into a downward dog positions and bob your head. And how you, Gabe, get on hands and knees and repeatedly bonk your head on the floor.

It's how you attempt to sit on my chest while I do crunches to try and get rid of this 14 month old post- pregnancy baby pooch.

It's how whenever Gabe says "Ni Ni's!" to indicate to mama that he would like to nurse, Nat hears "knees" and proudly slaps his hands on his little knee caps.

It's how whenever you even hear the word song you both instantaneously doing the actions for Twinkle Twinkle. (It's your current favorite)

It's how in the middle of the night, you still wake, and I still go to comfort you. I pick you up, and within seconds you melt in my arms and are back in dreamland. How could I let you both cry, when all you want is a snuggle from your mama?

It's when I wake up to babies giggling and kicking at 5 am in our bed. Because, yes, we are those parents- the ones that let our crying babies cuddle in our arms in our bed when they are sad during the night. You are only little for such a short amount of time. You won't always want your daddy or me in the night. I'll take it while I can get it.

These are the best things in my world right now.

Today

2010-12-04T20:53:00.001-06:00

This morning you both got to cuddle with mama and daddy in their bed. At first you snuggled into our chests. Then you realized that you were way too old for the snuggling thing and attempted to "dance" and walk all over the bed. You nearly fell off a dozen times.
I gave up on the last attempts at sleep and we hopped out of bed.

Gabe, you learned some new phrases today. "Uh-oh" and "no, no, no." It's the cutest thing.
Nat, at supper time you finally signed "more" when I asked you if you would like more cottage cheese. I was so proud. All those months of teaching you both finally paid off.

I ran to the store and came back expecting to hear two, loud toddlers racing around and screaming with their daddy. Instead, I found Natty sprawled on his daddy's chest, and Gabe in child's pose with his little baby butt sticking up, both fast asleep.

Something containing gluten managed to make it into your mouth Nathaniel. Your baby butt is sore and red, and your tummy bothered you all day today. Mama feels so crummy when something sneaks by me and it causes you pain.

Gabe, we are amazed that even though you started walking 1 1/2 months after your brother, that somehow you have managed to progress so quickly that you can't even tell. You are practically beating him in races when you both attempt to run.

Tonight was one of those evenings when you weren't much interested in rock-a-bye with mama. You would rather snuggle with a blanket in your crib. Gabe, my lone nursling, only need a minute of mama-milk and cuddles.

I cherish the times that you need me to rock you, or when you want to cuddle and nurse for long stretches. Someday you won't be my little boys. Your bedtime routines will consist of a quick hug and "goodnight." You'll cringe at the thought of cuddling with me. You'll be embarrassed to be seen with me in public in front of your friends.
For now, I am your world. Your everything. These days are numbered.

I'll appreciate them while they are here.

Time

2010-11-20T06:45:00.001-06:00

Time seems to have slipped away from me.
It's been over 6 months that I wrote anything down in this blog.
This blog, the one I used to write in practically everyday when we were still trying to conceive. Still living the ivf whirlwind.
I'm not sure why I stopped.
I had ideas in my head of what I wanted this blog to be about.
About the boys' life.
My feelings.
My ineptness at being a mother sometimes
My strengths

The truth is that this is my second blog. I had one years ago.
It was my go-to during infertility. I wrote angry, sad, bitter, jealous things in there.
I wrote things that I could never say outloud to anyone.
When we resolved to try ivf, and move toward adoption if it didn't work, I deleted it.

It makes me feel like I should delete this blog too. Just start fresh. Yet I feel like I would be erasing such an important part of my babies. Their conception, and our desperation to become parents.
Their first six months.

An equal amount of time has gone by. They are a year now.
As I sit writing this and drinking my morning cup of coffee, they are playing behind me.
Drinking their sippy cups of milk. Looking out the window onto the snow covered lawn. Playing peek-a-boo with one another.
They still never fail to amaze me. I watch them while they sleep. Smooth their hair and tuck them in before I retreat to my bed at night.

I'll keep this blog. I'll just be better about maintaining it

2010-04-29T22:43:00.000-05:00

Spring has sprung

2010-04-29T22:07:00.000-05:00

The weather outdoors is beautiful. We have been having so much fun with the warmth and the sun. The boys and I try to get out on walks whenever we get a chance on the nice days. Joel and I sprung for a BOB stroller. We decided that since we had been very frugal and bought used, or borrowed almost everything that we have needed for the boys, that we could afford to purchase a REALLY nice double jogging stroller. After pushing a tandem stroller around all winter, this thing works like a breeze!

Gabe has his cranio cap and has been doing wonderfully with it. It doesn't bother him in the slightest. In fact, I think he is more used to wearing it than not. He starts to rub at his head around the 25 minute mark of not having it no. It is usually my signal that the 30 minutes of break time are almost up. We have already started to notice a difference in his head shape on only the 3 or so weeks that he has had it on. Gabe is turning out to be mama's little cuddly babe. I love it! He has the sweetest little personality. He is almost always calm and content, and loves to wrap his little arms around my neck and snuggle his head under my chin. What mother doesn't adore that?!

Nat is continuing to be Mr. Personality. He is so active and spunky. When he is happy he will let you know by laughing hysterically. If he is mad he will let you know by shrieking his head off. There is rarely an in-between with him. He is an active little man and he is always making his daddy and me chuckle. He gets easily bored and is ready for a new activity every few minutes. I wouldn't doubt it if he is crawling and walking months before what is considered "normal." His daddy even taught him to take some steps while having his hands held. I poo-pooed that activity and told Joel that if he was going to teach his twins to walk at 6 months of age then I would be the income earner and he would be the stay at home daddy. Give a mom a little time with non-mobile babies!!

The boys have started on solids and seem to be doing well. Nat was a natural and was trying to spoon feed himself the first day. Gabe took a little longer to figure the whole food thing out. As it turns out he just didn't care too much for rice cereal and was looking for a little more flavor. Carrots, sweet potatoes, pears, apples, and bananas are on the current menu. They have loved them all and eaten them with gusto. We'll be trying some peas in the next few days. I'm interested to see how that will go.

Tomorrow the boys will be 6 months old. The time has gone so fast. I am constantly looking at them and trying to "take it all in." I try to capture the little moments, the sweet smiles and imprint it them on my mind. There will come a time when I won't be the center of their universe. When a cuddle and kiss won't make their pain go away. Right now, I cherish every moment with them. I thank the Lord for giving them to me, for making me their mommy, for making me A mommy.

I think back to the years of pain, both physical and emotional, that it took to get here. Would I do it again? In a heartbeat. 1000 times over again.

This is life.
My life.
Our family.
It's more than I could have ever dreamed of.
The countless sleepless nights. Constant crying.
Loss of "me" time, of "us" time.
It's worth it.
So VERY worth it.

4 months

2010-03-10T17:11:00.000-06:00

Our baby boys are growing so big these days. I cannot believe that 1/3 of their first year has already passed. It feels like we brought them home from the hospital yesterday.

They are so much fun. I just love waking up to their smiles and giggles. It makes me feel so blessed to be their mommy.

The boys have started to pay attention to one another more. They like to grab each others hands now that they can hold onto things. They smile at one another almost as much as they smile at me and Joel.

Nat is starting to push up onto his arms while doing tummy time. He will also "stand" all day long if you give him the support. He is extremely active. He loves to flirt with himself in the mirror. He giggles and coos, smiles, and waves his hands in the air. Once while I was holding him in front of the bathroom mirror, he spit up. It gave him quite the scare to see the cute baby with stuff dripping out of his mouth.

Gabe is as sweet as ever. He is still so easy going, and a very happy baby. He tends to have a very sensitive tummy like his mommy, so a tummy ache is one of the very few things that will make him upset. He has been in Physical Therapy for his torticollis, and will be getting a cranial cap in the next few months for his plagiocephaly. In essence, he has a twisted neck and irregular shaped head due to the position while I was pregnant.Poor Gabe was squashed into my pelvis unable to move his little head and neck around. His physical therapist thinks he has been doing extremely well. We have seen dramatic improvements in his range of motion.

I am looking very forward to Spring. We have managed to get out on a few walks on a couple of warmer days that we have had. The boys really seem to enjoy looking around at the world around them. I was getting stir crazy today so I headed out the Mall of America. I forget what a sight twins can be. We were stopped at least 10 times to talk about "twins" in the few hours we were there. I don't usually mind, but sometimes a girl just wants to shop!

Nat practicing his sitting skills

Gabe and Daddy

Cuddling brothers

Picture Time

2010-02-02T15:09:00.001-06:00

Growing so fast

2010-01-26T22:08:00.000-06:00

Gabe and Nat are almost three months old! The time has been passing by so quickly. They are getting bigger everyday. Both of the boys are smiling and they are so much more alert and interested in their surroundings.
They are starting to get so fun. The cuddles and snuggles were wonderful, but I am really looking forward to the laughs.

An extremely overdue update

2010-01-03T20:55:00.000-06:00

Wow, I cannot believe that these boys are already 2 months old!!
Time flies.

Our baby boys are doing fabulous, and mommy and daddy are hanging in on little sleep and very little time for themselves.

I could go on and on about how great the boys are. They are developing their own little personalities.

Gabe is our little Bug He makes to most hysterical facial expressions. He is just a sweetheart and a happy-go-lucky little man.

Nathanial is our Peanut. He loves to play in his jungle activity center and he really loves to gaze at people. He has the sweetest little face. He is a real cuddle bug.

Both of the boys have grown a ton. They are up over 11 lbs now and are almost out of their 0-3 month outfits (even though they just fit into them 2 weeks ago!)

Being the mother to twins can be quite a challenge. I have had to get used to listening to one cry while I try to soothe the other. Feeding the two at the same time when they are both starving is quite a task, and a sight!!

We all had a wonderful Thanksgiving and Christmas. We were able to spend time with our families. All the grandparents just can't seem to get enough of these guys, and I don't blame them. Even Auntie Amanda made it from Portland to meet the little guys- I believe she was quite smitten.

I hope to update the blog more often. While I don't have too much time on my hands these days, I do know that people want photo updates, so I will try my best.

Love to everyone, and Happy New Year. What an amazing and blessed one we have had.

Picture Poses

2009-11-21T16:24:00.000-06:00

Gabriel and Nathaniel

Nat sat with his arm like this for 2 minutes straight!

Our little Gabey Baby

Pictures

2009-11-09T12:17:00.000-06:00

Mama giving Nathaniel kisses with Gabe in my other arm.

Daddy holding the boys- Nat is on the left, Gabe is on the right

Two very proud Grandmas!

They've arrived!!

2009-11-02T07:28:00.000-06:00

To those who have not already heard- our precious baby boys have arrived.

Gabriel Douglas, 5 lb, 10 oz, and 17 inches long was born at 7:03 am on October 30th.

Nathaniel Robert, 6lb, and 17 inches long was born shortly thereafter at 7:05 am.

I will post a more detailed birth story later, but the basics are: my water broke around 12:30 am, we checked in to L & D at 3:00 am the boys were assessed and their heartbeats were looking wonderful, I labored for a few hours and felt great. Began to monitor them again and Gabriel (Baby A) was in distress. We were unable to locate a heartbeat from him. Occasionally we would pick it up, and it was either in the 180's or in the 70's, and when we did hear it it had very distinct eurythmia that we had never once heard during the pregnancy. I was rushed into the OR, "knocked out" and within 3 minutes they had Gabriel out, with Nathanial following two minutes later.
The boys are doing well now. We are working on maintaining their weights. Gabriel had an echo cardiogram performed a few days ago, so we will hopefully be hearing from the cardiologist with good news.
My recovery was not so pretty. I lost a lot of blood during the surgery, and ended up requiring 2 transfusions. I was a wreck the day of delivery; vomiting regularly and completely disoriented. I hear that I was a terrible shade of yellow/green. Once I received the blood from the transfusions my recovery significantly changed for the better.

Almost there

2009-10-24T09:17:00.000-05:00

We met with my doctor on Tuesday. She was glad to see that I was still pregnant. She said she grew a little concerned on Monday when she had returned from vacation and found hospital paperwork on me and had seen that I was admitted. Luckily, she found out that only one 34 week preemie had been born, so she knew it wasn't me.
The appointment went well, still more progression. The great news is that she only wants me on bedrest for another week, so as of Tuesday the 27th I can be up and moving around.
We went back on Wednesday for a growth scan on the babies. She wanted to reassess their positions and see how big they are now. Well, I am still carrying big babies because according to their measurements they are both over 5 1/2 pounds. Baby A is still head down, perfectly in my pelvis and just waiting to go. Somehow Baby B managed to completely flip without me realizing it. He is still transverse, but his head is angled down now. I'm hoping that he will slide right down into position once his brother is born.
We will see how the no bedrest goes. I highly doubt I'll be out running around. Just laying and reclining all day causes a lot of pain on my joints and back.
So who wants to guess on when these kids are going to arrive?
My guess is next weekend. Just in time for Halloween and to share their Grandma D's birthday.

2 1/2 weeks down, how many more to go?

2009-10-17T11:26:00.000-05:00

I have managed to complete two and a half weeks of bedrest. I am quite proud of myself! My front window is not really allowing me to enjoy much of fall, and there are times when I feel like the walls of the house are closing in on me.
I was really naughty and went to Target the other night. It was my first time leaving the house in week. I had to, I was crawling out of my skin. It was a nice, short trip, which I ended up regretting because I got so out of breath and had a lot of contractions during the 10 minutes I was in the store. I
We had an appointment yesterday with one of the doctors that I had seen a few times in the hospital. She was very happy to see me still pregnant.
Everything looks great. The boys heartrates are good, my blood pressure is very good (even more so for being pg with twins the nurse told me), I have progressed a little more from the last time I was in, but that is to be expected at this stage. She said my cervix is thin, but not paper-thin, and between a fingertip and 1cm dilated. Baby A has moved down low again to where he originally was. He'll probably remain there until he and his brother decide that it's time to make their grand entrance.
They weren't too concerned about the weight loss, but would really like to see me with an additional 5 to 10 pounds. I'll try my best, but it's so hard to eat anything these days. My stomach is beyond the point of being squished.
My personal doctor returns on Monday, and I have an appointment with her on Tuesday. I will also be able to deliver at my own hospital as of Tuesday. We have pretty much hit all of our goals, and Joel and I are quite excited about that.

Scary Belly

2009-10-10T19:51:00.000-05:00

Here are the latest belly shots. I had to show one at an angle to give you the best view.
No full body shots because that would require me to look half decent, i.e., to shower, get dressed, and actually do something with myself. Right now I am really just enjoying being a lazy bum;)

Good news

2009-10-10T10:33:00.000-05:00

I went in yesterday for another cervical length u/s. Can you believe that my cervix lengthened?! I was shocked. The tech even called in the doctor to confirm what she was finding. The doc agreed- my cervix has lengthened back out to over a 2 and the funneling is gone. This is amazing news!
Baby A who has always been extremely low has managed to move up in my pelvis. His head was causing all the extra pressure, funneling, and cervical shortening.
The bed rest seems to be working wonders for me and the babies. Although I am more uncomfortable now since Baby A moved back up which in turn causes Baby B to basically live under my rib cage.
Laying down all the time is doing wonders for my circulation. My feet and legs look normal again. I am trying to keep drinking as many fluids as possible to keep the contractions at bay. With the extreme fluid intake and the better circulation I have somehow managed to lose 5 pounds. I know that it all came directly from my hands and feet. No worries about it, I am still on track ,weight-wise, and we have no concerns about the size of these boys.
The babies really seem to like me on bedrest. Being able to lay down all the time keeps them very active. My tummy looks like a bowl full of wiggly jello with babies jumping and kicking and hitting all the time. My skin is stretched so tight across the top of my belly that you can almost see an outline of Baby B. We do this cool trick where I can press his butt and his head pops out on the other side of my belly, and then I press his head and his butt pops out. That poor child- he is always getting picked on. Mostly because he is the easiest access.
I'll have to put another belly pic up because I am looking quite big now. My belly measured at 40 weeks about 2 weeks ago, so I am probably a 42 now. Scary.

Our Latest Adventure

2009-10-07T16:25:00.000-05:00

We arrived to our appointment early Monday afternoon and hoped to find out some good news at our u/s check-up. Unfortunately that did not happen. The tech looked and my cervix without measuring it and let out a sort of "Huh."
I asked "Bad news?"
"Your cervix is really thin."
"How thin is really thin?"
"It's a 1" (anything less than 2 is bad)
"There is also funneling" (funneling is bad)
We met with the doctor. Not my doctor, since she is on vacation in New Guinea. it was one of the other practitioners who had an opening in her schedule.
She looked at my numbers and gave us our stats. The best we could hope for is another 2 weeks. They could give me meds in attempt to stall labor, but they would only let me hold out for another 48 hours, and there are risks involved.
Our instructions were to head to the hospital and start monitoring. She would consult with some other doctors and let us know what happens next. Plus those meds are essentially used to provide enough time to get the betamethasone shots in, and we were able to do that last week.
We headed out to the hospital and I got all hooked up to the machines. The boys are still VERY active and my contractions are still irregular and mostly only happen when I move around.
We met with the second doctor who checked me out and agreed with the u/s findings- 75% effaced and dilated a fingertip. She had a hard time trying to decide if she should transfer me downtown to the U (since this hospital is not equipped to deal with 32 week preemies), or if they should keep me overnight and see how I was doing in the morning.
They decided to keep me overnight for 24 hour monitoring and recheck my cervix in the morning.
I was pumped full of iv fluids and had the TOCO wrapped around my belly all night. The nurses came in all night to check on me, check my contractions and occasionally monitor the babies.
The doctor came in around 8 am to do his rounds and re-checked my cervix. Thankfully, it had not changed. They decided to send me back home on a more strict form of bedrest. I am only allowed to use the bathroom, shower if necessary, and go up and down the stairs once daily, other than that I am to be in bed or on the couch, preferably laying down.
Joel has set me up a nice little home in the bedroom. I have the big screen tv, a stack of movies and books, paper for lists, the computer, a cooler full of snacks, and the massage chair.
We met with a NICU nurse practitioner who informed us of what would be going on with the babies once they are born. We won't be able to take them home, they will likely stay in the NICU for a few weeks. They'll need iv's, possible respirators, feeding tubes, and "fake bake" under the lights for jaundice. There are no big risks for them if they are born right now. Joel and I are very positive. We know that the babies will be in good hands at the hospital, and that the Lord is looking out for us.
Right now we are really just waiting for these babies to arrive. Hoping they hold out for a little while, but ultimately knowing that they will be okay when they do.

31 weeks 4 days

2009-10-03T10:56:00.000-05:00

I headed back to the hospital yesterday for another NST. The babies are looking great.
At the NST testing, the Fetal Non- Stress test, they are watching the movement of the babies and how their heartrates respond, along with my uterine contractions.
The babies passed with flying colors. Baby A is definitely the more cooperative of the two little ones. We rarely lost his heartrate, perhaps because he is being squished by his brother and can't really move. Baby B would squirm all over the place and we would lose his heartrate, which completely messes with the test since we were trying to analyze what the rate was doing when he did move. He is my squirmy worm, a little monkey.
I got my second shot of betamethazone. That should be all I need to mature these little lungs for whenever they should decide to arrive. The nurses kept apologizing for all the shots that they were having to give me. It just made me chuckle, and I had to let them know that these were IVF twins, so shots don't faze me in the slightest.
My stict bedrest has been downgraded to modified.
I am able to get up and move around, but I am mostly stuck either on the couch or in bed. I just need to rest a few hours each morning, a few each afternoon, and most of the evening.
The benefits of bedrest are huge. It reduces the strain on my heart, increases the blood flow to my kidneys and helps eliminate excess fluids (I can wear my ring again!!), it increases circulation to the uterus and provides additional oxygen and nutrients to the babies, it reduces my stress hormones, takes pressure off of my cervix. Limiting my activity level reduces my contractions, and conserving my energy allows more of what I eat to do directly to growing the babies nice and big.
I head back to the clinic Monday morning for another cervical length check and to meet with one the doctors. Wouldn't you know it?! My doctor is on vacation for the next 2 1/2 weeks. How dare she have a life?!

Bedrest boredom

2009-10-01T14:06:00.000-05:00

It looks as though I am officially on bedrest. We went back to the hospital today to have the Fetal Fibronectin test and the results came back positive - not what we were hoping for.
To further explain the test, fFN is a sort of "glue" that holds the amniotic sac to the wall of the uterus. This "glue" starts to break down between one and three weeks before you go into labor and is slowly leaked out into the vagina. The test was performed and sent to the lab and the results came back showing an elevated level, meaning that the "glue" that is helping to hold these babies in, is breaking down. I was monitored while I was there and there wasn't much going on as far as contractions were concerned. I started receiving my shots of betamethasone in hopes to mature the boys' lungs. I head back tomorrow for more monitoring and another dose of steroids. In the meantime I sit, or lay, and try to keep these babies baking as long as possible. No work, no cleaning, just hanging out and gestating.

Here's a little of the fun stuff that we found out yesterday at our appointment before all the dramatic stuff happened.
The boys are continuing to grow very well. They both still have big heads, 35 1/2 weeks and 34 weeks, their bellies and legs are measuring right along with their actual age, 31 weeks. Their weight estimates are around 4lb 7 oz, and 4lb 3oz. Baby A has hair. Baby B seems to have a perfectly round head, with a little bit of hair in the back. I'm now thinking that Baby A will take after his daddy and Baby B will take after his mama.
My belly is now measuring 40 weeks. Let's see how big I can get it!! Somehow I have managed to get this far with no stretch marks (knock on wood) My guess is that I will wake up tomorrow morning covered in them just for writing that and acknowledging it.;)
Baby A is still vertex and still extremely low. The doctor felt his head while checking my cervix. Baby B is still transverse and will likely remain that way.
I spoke with my doctor and as long as Baby B doesn't grow much larger than his brother, I will get to try a vaginal delivery.
The Lord has been on our side and we have been so thankful for how far we have come. The babies look extremely healthy and have grown nice and big. Hopefully, with rest, I can keep them in a while longer.
Thank you for following us on this amazing journey.

Pre-term?

2009-09-30T17:47:00.000-05:00

I had a feeling something was up. I haven't been feeling that great for the past week or so. My Braxton Hicks contractions have been coming like crazy, almost anything I do will cause them. Walking, rolling over, bending, twisting, anything and BAM! there they are. Two days ago I started having more menstrual type cramping. I haven't been able to time any of these, they don't come in a pattern.
Last night, while at work, I was pretty sure that (WARNING: TMI) I had lost part of my mucous plug. Again, I wasn't too concerned since there was no blood or anything.

I had a doctors appointment today, and while the boys are looking fabulous and growing big, my cervix is changing. It has started to shorten and dilate. My doctor sent me to the hospital to monitor my contractions. I was contracting and my uterus is "irritable." Not sure what an irritable uterus is,exactly, but to me it just looked like a bunch of little squiggles in addition to the larger contractions on the monitor printout. They gave me a shot of Terbutaline to stop the contractions and it seems to have worked for now.

I will return to the hospital tomorrow for the fetal fibronectin test.
If it comes back positive then my body is preparing for labor and I will likely have the boys in the next two weeks. I would be on bedrest and need steroid shots to speed up the lung development of the babies. If the result is negative then we are in the clear for a few more weeks.

Please pray for us right now. It's too early for these babies to be born.

30 weeks

2009-09-23T12:18:00.000-05:00

I am finally in the 30's! Looking back this pregnancy seems to have flown by, but each day as I get closer to the end seems to be moving really slowly.
Last week was great. We had more good news from the doctor on Friday. I am still doing a good job carrying these boys and I still have no signs of preterm labor. The swelling, aches and pains have started in on me. And although we are shooting for keeping these guys in until at least 36 weeks, I am really looking forward to the day that I get to meet them. I am counting down the weeks and days.
Baby B is still transverse and Baby A is still vertex. I'm interested to see what my doctor says about me attempting a vaginal delivery. They don't have much more space to move around, and most doctors agree that the position that twins are in at 30 weeks is likely the way they will stay for the remainder of the pregnancy. We'll see, they may defy the odds and Baby B may manage to work is way head down, but I don't really see how considering that his brother's legs and feet are in the way.

My sister threw me a beautiful baby shower on Sunday, with the help of my bff and my mom! It was so wonderful getting to see all sorts of family and friends. My sister-in-law and mother-in-law even made the drive all the way from Wisconsin to help celebrate! We received such great things. Our nursery is packed full of baby items.
I think the shower shocked Joel into the realization that these boys will be arriving soon. He has been helping me organize and has made a list of all sorts of projects that he wants to accomplish. He started working on them the day after the shower. Before he goes to work, or after he comes home he is working on finishing the nursery or sorting through the items in the spare bedroom. He's doing a great job!!

Another great appointment!

2009-09-14T20:22:00.000-05:00

I got the results of my 3 hr. glucose tolerance test back and everything looks normal.
Thank goodness! I was going to be really crabby if I had GD since I have been doing a good job of eating right and remaining active throughout this pregnancy.

We had the long overdue ultrasound this afternoon and the boys are looking wonderful. Good heartbeats -150 and 164 bpm. Their amniotic fluid levels look great, and they are measuring wonderfully! They are both still measuring ahead, and they both have nice big heads (32 weeks big). Their estimated weights right now are 3lb 8oz, and 3lb 10oz! I was thinking they were still in the 2 pound range, so it was surprising to hear how large they are.
What's shocking is the realization that I am now carrying about 7 lbs of baby(ies) around.
No wonder I have been feeling so sluggish lately! Only a few months left...

GTT

2009-09-12T22:38:00.000-05:00

I managed to get through my glucose tolerance test without vomiting. I wasn't sure I was going to make it through the first hour. But as each hour passed I felt better and better. Except for the last 45 minutes when I was ridiculously hungry,thirsty, kept burping orange glucose drink, and had the worst heartburn of my life. The minute after I got my last blood draw I chowed down on a Kashi trail mix bar, downed a bottle of water, and had two Tums.
I was lucky enough to be allowed to leave the clinic during each hour, so I headed over to Target during one session, and I got my toenails repainted during another. I had to make this best of my day off! Target is always known to cheer me up.
I'll get the results of my test on Monday, since the clinic is closed over the weekend.
I will also get to have another u/s, finally!
I was supposed to have this one 2 weeks ago, but the u/s tech had a death in her family, so it was rescheduled for the following week. Then they had to reschedule the new appointment since the funeral landed on the same day and the tech wouldn't be in. Somehow they thought they had contacted me to reschedule, but they never did. I was finally able to get in on Monday.
I hope that Baby B is starting to move into a head down position. Baby A is ready to go, so we're just waiting on Baby B to cooperate with us so we can attempt a vaginal delivery.

Belly Shots

2009-09-10T11:44:00.000-05:00

27 weeks

28 weeks

I'm hoping for some good ultrasound pictures tomorrow! I'm also hoping that I pass my GTT!

Appointment. Update

2009-09-04T19:36:00.000-05:00

Everything looks fine for the most part. There are still no cervical changes. The boys heart rates are good. My blood pressure is normal. My weight gain is right on track.
I am measuring 36 weeks, just like I figured I would.
I did the one hour oral glucose tolerance test and failed it. I'll have to do the three hour test now.
I scheduled it next Friday morning before my u/s. Joel told me that he will be there for the ultrasound, but has no intentions of hanging out with me all morning at the clinic. What a poop.
I'll be bringing in a good book to keep me entertained. Target is right across the street. Maybe they'll let me leave to do some shopping.

27 weeks

2009-09-03T23:48:00.000-05:00

I am now 27 weeks, and I am finishing out my last week in the second trimester.
I cannot believe that I'll soon be in the third tri!
My belly is continuing to grow steadily. I'll find out my actual measurement tomorrow at my appointment, but I am assuming that I'll continue my pattern and measure 9 weeks ahead- so 36 weeks .
My stomach is starting to feel like it can't grow any larger, and my skin feels like it is going to snap if is stretches anymore, yet I have between 9 and 11 more weeks to go.
I get many comments "Looks like you've finally popped!", "You're tiny for twins", "You are all belly".
Yes, I do seem to be carrying these boys well, at least for now. I'm just frightened of how I will feel once I start measuring 43, 44, and 45 weeks.

I am definitely running low on energy these days. My body is getting sore and the swelling is starting to kick in. I am experiencing serious pressure from Baby A who is laying low in my pelvis, yet it's hard to breathe with Baby B crammed up under my ribs. I just can't seem to win. I'm hoping that someday soon they will finally decide they are uncomfortable in their positions and each pick a side to lay on, rather than top and bottom.

I told my current employer my work intentions after having these babies. It is just not going to work out for me to return to my current position since Joel also works evenings. Finding affordable, evening childcare for twins would be ridiculous, as well as not financially feasible. I would probably lose money by continuing to work. Joel has found a second job, and he will be the bread winner for our family.
I intend to stay through the end of October, although things may change if I need to go on bed rest, or if I get too uncomfortable.

I have another appointment tomorrow afternoon. I'm expecting that everything will check out okay. We were suppose to have an ultrasound tomorrow, but they had to reschedule it for next week. It will just be a boring, standard appointment except for the 1 hour glucose test. I am hoping that I have avoided the GD.

On that note, I am off to bed. The boys are kicking up a storm which usually means it's past my bedtime. They tell me when it's time for bed, and kick me in the morning to wake me up. They have already taken over my life ;-)

Whose side has the twins?!

2009-08-19T22:52:00.000-05:00

I'm sure that I'll get this question for the rest of my life, but it is already getting old.
"Whose side has the twins?"
There are a number of irritating things about this question.
As you all obviously know, these twins were conceived with assistance. Do I really care to share that with anyone and everyone who asks that question? No, not really.
I could answer that they run on my side because that is technically correct. My mother has a set of twin aunts, and twin cousins. But these babies are not naturally occurring twins.
The irritating thing about this question is that people don't understand how and why twins occur in the first place, and if they did they wouldn't ask the question.
Naturally occurring twins run on the mother's side, the father has absolutely nothing to do with it.
Fraternal twins are hereditary. Identical twins are a fluke, a mysterious anomaly.
Fraternal twins happen when two separate eggs are released and fertilized by two separate sperm. They are two sibling who are simply womb-mates.
Identicals occur when a one fertilized egg splits into two embryos. They share the exact same DNA and therefore they look alike and are the same sex.(Strangely there are people who ask if boy/girl twins are identical)
We are 99.9% sure that these boys are fraternal. First, because we put two embryos back. Second, because they were 5 day old embryos and they both have their own amniotic sac and placenta.
Identicals can share a sac and a placenta, or they can share a sac and have their own placentas or they can each have their own sac and placentas. It all depends on how old the embryo was when it split. If they were identical twins with their own sac and placenta then the split would have had to occur on day 3, and these boys were still hanging out in the petri dish during that time.
Enough with Biology 101, back to the initial question.
So, in most instances I will respond with a "We had some help getting pregnant."
The usual response is "Oh... IVF?"
I'm a pretty open person, so I'll answer "Yes."
The stupid response I hear time and time again "We'll at least it's not ____ (insert ridicilous number here, usually 4, 6 or 8)!! Then it's some comment about Jon & Kate or Octomom.
Ugh. I would really love to set people straight on this misconception.
"Octomom" is a rarity. IVF pregnancies don't lead to high order multiples. She is a rare example.
Jon & Kate didn't do IVF, neither did the family with septuplets in Iowa from many years back. They used fertility drugs, but not IVF.
IVF allows you to choose the number of embryos you put back. Most fertility drugs just give you extra eggs to release, for a greater number of "targets" for the sperm.

Enough of the preaching from my soap box. I was just slightly irritated during my O/B appointment today when the nurse taking my blood pressure asked me the question and then proceeded to make the annoying comment.
I figured that someone in the medical field, especially one who works with pregnant women would know how reproduction and assisted reproduction works!

Nothing to report from the appointment. The boys heart rates are still great, as well as my blood pressure. No signs of preterm labor yet. Today's fundal height measurement.... 34 weeks!! Yep. I'm big already, but according to my doctor I carry it very well :-)

Picture Time

2009-08-14T22:52:00.000-05:00

A little old... 22 weeks and measuring 31

Bad Blogger

2009-08-14T22:20:00.000-05:00

Almost three weeks have passed and I did not even post once.
Shame on me.
I can't say that I've been too busy.
Mostly just working, and when I am not doing that I am resting, reading and attempting to get prepared for the birth of our monkeys.
They really do feel like little monkeys in my belly.
I have a feeling that any woman pregnant with multiples would agree, it's a little freaky having your belly jumping around and moving in four places at once.
I had an appointment a few weeks back. This one included another ultrasound.
The boys are looking so amazing. Their faces are getting more and more cute. Baby B was sucking on his toes when we did a close up shot of his profile.
As of now they are on opposite ends of my womb.
Baby A is very far down with his head resting right on my cervix and his body wrapping up my left side.
Baby B is transverse stretching all across the top of my belly with his head jammed nicely under the ribs on my right.
They were both measuring big. Baby B about one half a week ahead, and Baby A a full week ahead.
Fabulous news for us!!
I met with my OB who told us because of the babies sizes, approximately 24 wks and 24 1/2 wks at the time, that they were considered viable.
I was so beyond happy to hear that.
Getting to 12 weeks didn't ease my anxiety. Hitting viability and 24 weeks has absolutely allowed me to breathe a lot easier.
I started having my manual cervical checks, and as of two weeks ago everything looked good. There are no signs of pre-term cervical changes, and my blood pressure is excellent.
My doctor measured my belly and at 23 weeks I am measuring 32 weeks. That is right about where I am expected to be. They estimate that by 30 weeks I'll measure in both belly size and baby weight to be 40 weeks. Yikes! That is not that far away.

A Little Visit to L&D

2009-07-27T23:02:00.000-05:00

I had a bit of a scare a few days ago.
It started late in the evening, at around 9:00 pm with an hour left of work. I started having Braxton Hicks, which is not out of the ordinary for me. I usually have around 5-10 a day, and they are typically after walking up stairs, lifting things, or walking long distances.
For some reason this evening they started happening more frequently, and they even continued when I was sitting down, or put my feet up. I figured that once I got home and laid on the couch with a big glass a water they might calm down.
I got home, had a nice big glass of water and reclined on my left side. After an hour, they were still continuing to happen about every 15 minutes.
Now it was around midnight and at this point they seemed to get more painful, and the time between them was 10 minutes.I drank another two glasses of water and continued to monitor myself. I noticed more pressure in my abdomen.
I started to get really nervous, so I grabbed out my pregnancy books to look up some information.
Everything kept telling me that you need to contact your doctor if you begin to have more than 5 contractions, even if they aren't that painful, in an hour. I had already gone three hours of at least five contractions per hour.
I decided that what I really needed to do was go to bed, because staying up counting BH's was just freaking me out.
I headed up to bed and tried to get comfortable, Joel was fast asleep beside me. Unfortunately, every time I seemed to roll over or get settled another one would come on, so I kept looking at the clock. Now they were happening every 7 to 8 minutes.
I had two choices: Attempt to go to sleep and just call my doctor in the morning, but risk something being terribly wrong and having me do nothing about it OR call the on-call doctor and ask what to do.
I decided to try the second option.
I spoke with the doctor around 1:30 am and after hearing what had been happening he told me to head to Labor and Delivery.
I woke up Joel, who was slightly confused, and explained the situation. He threw on some clothes and we headed out the door.
He was the picture of calm, cool and collected.
We drove to the hospital and arrived shortly after 2am.
The nurse took my vitals. Would you believe that my pulse was 102!? My b/p was fine, temperature was normal, and urine test came back normal.
Next they sent me for an u/s to check my cervix, and assess the boys' heartbeats.
My cervix was long (4.9) and closed, and the babies heart-rates were normal- both in the 140's. At this point we knew that the contractions were doing nothing to my cervix, so no pre-term labor. I had also only had 1 or 2 contractions since arriving at the hospital.
I was then hooked up to a monitor to see if we could monitor the contractions. By this point they had completely stopped. So we hung out in one of the triage rooms for an hour, watching Little Women while I was being monitored for the no longer existent contractions.
Since everything came back normal, and more importantly, since my cervix looked good, we were discharged and sent home.
I had a follow-up appointment today with my doctor. There is no concern since everything has been normal since. I will return next week for another u/s and check-up.
Although we had quite a scare that night, we did get a treat when they did the u/s on the babies. They gave us a disk of their pictures. The quality is pretty bad since they were just looking at the h/b. I am hoping that we get some good ones at the next appointment so I can scan them for everyone to see.

Kicks and Craigslist

2009-07-16T11:36:00.000-05:00

The boys are kicking! I started feeling them for the first time last week.
At first I was thinking it was a muscle twitch. Then common sense set in and I realized that it was no muscle twitch, it was Baby A making his presence known.
I felt Baby B's kicks two days later. They are pretty amazing feelings. I would much rather experience their kicks, than their somersaults.
The flips and twists usually send me off to the bathroom, or give me some major braxton hicks contractions. I can't imagine how bad they will get as they get bigger.
Yesterday I was staring at my tummy while "B" was kicking and I actually saw my belly move.
Joel was able to feel "A" kicking this morning. They like to wake me up in the morning with kicks.

Physical therapy has been going well. My back pain has been improving. I have some major "kinks", and a ridiculous amount of muscle tightness and knots. The stretching and exercises I am doing seem to help. Right now we are trying to ease my mid and upper back pain, while strengthening my abs and lower back so I am able to support these boys while they grow.

Joel and I had a great weekend. We got a double travel system stroller off of Craigslist for $100!! It's in perfect shape. They usually cost around $500 to $600 new, so this was an amazing deal.
We also found a brand new Medela breastpump for $80, again courtesy of Craigslist. We have turned into real bargain shoppers.
Pricing items for two babies was extremely overwhelming at first, but after finding these couple of items for such a great deal we can breathe a little easier.

19 weeks

2009-07-06T14:52:00.000-05:00

We just got back from another excellent visit at the Ob.

We started out with an u/s. The boys are looking excellent, and yes, they still appear to be boys.
She measured different areas in their brains. All appears to be normal. No increased chance of Down Syndrome. Their spinal cords are closed, so no Spina Bifida. Thank you folic acid!
Both have a strong beating, 4 chambered heart. Their fluid levels appear great. They each have ten fingers and ten toes.
They are continuing to measure a few days ahead, which is great for twins.
Baby A is very far down in my pelvis. This explains the intense need to pee every time he moves. Baby B is up high at the very top of my uterus. They both have their head near the other one's butt. It made for some great photo opportunities. You would see a nice shot of ones head, and a baby butt would suddenly come into view.
We have some beautiful profile shots. Both of them held their hand up near their face to pose for the picture. I am trying to compare them. Their profiles look the same, but perhaps all baby profile pictures look the same at this point.

The visit with my Ob was short and sweet. I got a referral to Physical Therapy for my back pain. It has been severe and constant, and it's not a back ache, it's pain. I have my first appointment tomorrow. I hope that they can get me some relief because nothing else seems to help. Other than the back pain, I am feeling great.

17 Week Belly

2009-07-01T10:34:00.000-05:00

Here's latest belly picture taken. My belly button is disappearing, along with my waist.
The boys are beginning to be quite active. I still haven't noticed any kicks, just the position changes. Baby B, our troublemaker, does most of the moving. He is the little guy who is higher up.
I will occasionally feel Baby A squirming around, but I think that he's typically quite content with where he is.
We have our next appointment and u/s on the 6th. I can't wait to see them in action again. I am hoping for some clearer pictures this time. I couldn't post the last ones because they were so fuzzy.
Wishing you all a fun and warm summer!

The BIG Reveal

2009-06-20T23:14:00.000-05:00

That's right! We found out at our ultrasound a few weeks ago. Joel and I went in to the appointment questioning if they would be able to tell us so early.
One of the first questions the tech asked us was "Do we get to see what these babies are?!"

Both of the babies were cooperating enough that we were able to take peak between their legs. There is definitely boy stuff there. Although the tech said "Don't go paint the nursery blue quite yet."
The odds are that at least one of those penises is actually a penis and not just an umbilical cord disguising itself. We will have plenty more u/s to take a peak and make sure there are no changes.
How are we feeling? Ecstatic. We would have been happy for any combination. My mother and I were both thinking two boys. She holds the lone 2 Boys vote on the poll. I would award her a prize, but I think her two grandsons with be prize enough for her.
Just knowing what they are makes it more exciting. I feel like I can give them little identities. They aren't just "the babies" anymore, they're "the boys."
They are active little boys. I have been feeling them a lot more lately. I'm not really feeling kicks, and I'm not expecting to feel those this soon. Both of their placentas are anterior, meaning that they are in the front. They are acting as in insulation, so I won't feel their kicks, and neither will anyone else for some time.
I do feel them rolling around in there. They love to jump on my bladder.

My stomach is continuing to expand at an astounding rate. My belly button is about a week away from popping. That's a scary thought. I'll take another belly picture soon.

A new appreciation for Celine Dion

2009-06-17T00:30:00.001-05:00

I've never been a fan of Celine Dion.

Okay, maybe back in high school when Titanic first came out, but that's where it started and stopped.
Her voice and songs have always irritated me. I think it's the warbling. You know, the extreme vibrato? Not my style.

A client of mine had his music blaring from his bedroom a number of weeks ago. Who do you think it was? Celine. Yuck.
The volume of it was so loud that I couldn't help but listen to the song. The more I listened, the more the lyrics started speaking to me. Then when the song was over it all made sense.
I remember reading something in some type of gossip magazine that she and her husband had tried for many years to have children. They finally got pregnant with their son after fertility treatments. This song has got to be about her struggle and success. Just read the lyrics, and for the heck of it search for the song and have a listen.
I actually downloaded this song onto one of my playlists. I can't help it. It makes me cry a good cry.

A New Day Performed by Celine Dion

I was waiting for so long
For a miracle to come
Everyone told me to be strong
Hold on and don't shed a tear

Through the darkness and good times
I knew I'd make it through
And the world thought I had it all
But I was waiting for you

Hush, love

I see a light in the sky
Oh, it's almost blinding me
I can't believe
I've been touched by an angel with love
Let the rain come down and wash away my tears
Let it fill my soul and drown my fears
Let it shatter the walls for a new, new sun
A new day has...come

Where it was dark now there's light
Where there was pain now there's joy
Where there was weakness, I found my strength
All in the eyes of a boy

Hush, love

I see a light in the sky
Oh, it's almost blinding me
I can't believe
I've been touched by an angel with love
Let the rain come down and wash away my tears
Let it fill my soul and drown my fears
Let it shatter the walls for a new, new sun
A new day has...come

A new day has...come
Ohhh, a light... OOh

Why Me?

2009-06-17T00:02:00.000-05:00

I used to ask this question all the time.
Why me? Why us? Why am I infertile? Why must we struggle so hard to have what comes so easily to others?
Of course I was never able to answer these questions.
I will probably never know.Perhaps not until I look into the eyes of these tiny babies.
I don't have the need to know anymore. I look at our struggle as a sort of blessing. We will have an appreciation for our children that many others will never know.

I recently started asking this question again, but differently.

Why now? Why after our first try at IVF when others have tried so many times, yet constantly failed? As ridiculous as it sounds- it seemed too easy.
Maybe that's why I am nervous about something going wrong, something happening to the babies.
I feel like it was all too picture perfect. A smooth stimulation protocol, retrieval, transfer, and Bam! I'm pregnant with twins.
I know too much. I've seen too much heartache and pain around me. I feel like if I put up a protective barrier of worry, that it will somehow protect me from the pain of something happening.

I feel guilty. I have friends struggling.
One of my close friends has tried for longer than what we did. She was blessed and became pregnant last fall, yet lost the baby 7 weeks later. They have tried again month after month, and they've failed. They are out of money, and running out of time as she is inching closer to 40. They are putting their dreams of children on hold. There is no money for adoptions, nor money for more fertility meds.
How do I make her feel better? How do I support her? I know the pain of failure, but I don't know the worry of seeing the dead end sign at the end of the road.

I know that I will never understand the plan that the Lord has for her.
Words don't help. All I can offer is a shoulder to lean on and someone to cry with. Maybe some advice from the Land of "I've been there and this is what helped me." She says that it's nice to talk to someone who knows her pain, but I can't help but think that this growing stomach will soon get in the way.

OB and U/S

2009-06-10T13:20:00.000-05:00

We had our 2nd OB visit and 3rd U/S appointment this week.
It was so exciting. The babies actually look like babies now. They have long arms and legs, and fat bellies.
Baby A is is lying the lowest, and is more on my right side. Baby A was pretty quiet during the scan. It was just hanging out, resting on it's side.
Baby B is on the left and is higher up. This one seems to take after Joel. It was moving non-stop, flipping and squirming. The tech had to poke me in the belly to try and get it to cooperate with us so she could get the measurements.
They were looking wonderful. They had nice, strong heartbeats, and were measuring at 15w2days, and 15w5days.
I have another appointment next month along with an u/s, and then one the following month, with another u/s. Then we start having the appointments every two weeks.

I think I've been feeling the first movements. It wasn't like a kick or light movement. It felt like a big roll. I was laying in bed, and when I looked down at my belly and put my hands there, I noticed that my belly was completely lopsided. I think that Baby A had done a big flip over to Baby B's side of the womb. I called Joel into the room to show him how crooked my belly looked. It was quite funny, and really exciting. After a few minutes, there was another pressure shift and my tummy when back to normal. I think this is just the beginning of the acrobatics that are going to be occurring.

15 weeks

2009-06-10T13:05:00.001-05:00

Here is the latest belly shot

The New Arrival!!

2009-05-31T07:39:00.000-05:00

Noah Allan was born yesterday at 2:44 pm. He weighs 7lbs, 1oz and is 19 1/2 inches. He is absolutely perfect and the most beautiful little boy. I am a very proud Aunt, and I am so absolutely proud of his mother who did an amazing job. Life is good. One perfect niece, one perfect nephew, and two little cousins for them on the way.

13 weeks, 4 days

2009-05-30T12:23:00.000-05:00

I had my first round ligament pains this week. They scared me a bit. I thought for sure something was wrong, until I was reassured that those pains were completely normal. I have also been feeling Braxton-Hicks contractions, which sounds completely insane to some people since I am only 13 weeks. Rest assured that most women start them at 6 weeks, but don't start feeling them until later on. Some women, most of whom have had previous pregnancies feel them much earlier. I started feeling them around 8 weeks. They happen maybe once a day, and only last about 10-15 seconds. It's strange to feel your uterus so rock hard.
The top of my uterus is right up to my navel right now, which I think usually happens around 16 weeks in a singleton pregnancy. My belly is starting to pop out a bit more.
I am up to a 7 pound weight gain. I am still having little bouts of nausea, but it has drastically eased from earlier. Right now the babies are growing from about the size of a lime (13 weeks) to the size of a lemon (14 weeks). It's ridiculous that they're compared to food!

The greatest news of the day is that Joel and I will "officially" be an Auntie and Uncle again sometime today. Our sister-in-law is in labor, so we will be heading off to the hospital sometime soon to gather with the family and meet our new nephew. May the Lord watch over Beth and the baby as he makes his entrance into the world!!

12 1/2 weeks

2009-05-22T10:59:00.000-05:00

I am inching closer and closer to the end of the first trimester. Looking back it seems to have passed rather quickly. I am starting to feel better, and I have a little more energy. Although I am waiting for that spurt of energy that some women talk about.
I am so excited that the nice weather is finally here. I think I got a little sample of what the hot summer months are going to bring in those few days this week. It was not pleasant and I can only imagine how bad it is going to get. Needless to say, I turned the central air on. I could barely manage to sleep with the air and two fans pointed at me.
There are lots of fun things going on this summer. I have friends' weddings, my sister-in-law's wedding, and my brother-in-law and other sister-in-law due with their first baby in June. I am thinking that it is going to pass rather quickly, as summers usually do.
I have the next few days off of work, and I have lots of thing to accomplish now that I am not so down in the dumps. I have flowers to plant, and closets to clean out for the garage sale we are planning next weekend. I want to head to the store to get a pre-natal yoga workout since I am already starting to have back pain. I would like to remain nice and limber. I also want to start exercising some more. It pretty much went out the window during the first trimester. Call me crazy!

11 weeks, 1st OB visit

2009-05-13T12:56:00.000-05:00

I had my first prenatal appointment this morning. It was pretty uneventful. After peeing in a cup, giving a few vials of blood, and going through the huge checklist and family history or illness and diseases, I met with my doctor. We discussed the upcoming opening of the new birthing unit at the hospital (yay! I love new!) but more importantly we discussed the pregnancy.
No big questions, or concerns.
I got a quick check-up and she assessed all my girlie-bits. I'm measuring a few weeks ahead, go figure, I've got two babies baking.
We briefly discussed the delivery. I'll be assessed at 28 weeks for pre-term labor, if necessary, I'll go on bedrest, if all looks good I'll be able to continue with my regular activities. I can deliver at my hospital at 34 weeks and beyond, if I go earlier than that I will be transferred to the University, or Abbott. The doctor reiterated that I will probably have these babies around 36 weeks.
She used the doppler to check for heartbeats. We could definitely hear one baby. After some searching we found another heartbeat, it was in another area and slightly faster, but the doctor seemed to think that it still belonged to the first baby. I'm pretty sure it was the second baby, but I'm not the OB/Gyn. Who knows? She wasn't at all concerned about just finding one, since detecting two separate heartbeats at 11 weeks with a doppler is difficult. Both of the ultrasounds we had showed strong heartbeats, so I'll have to be reassured by those that everything is okay.
We head back in 4 weeks for another visit, and another ultrasound. I am going to be spoiled by getting to see these babies so much!

Belly Shots

2009-05-08T11:35:00.000-05:00

Taken at 5 1/2 weeks.

Taken last week, at 9 1/2 weeks.

10 weeks, 2 days

2009-05-07T22:35:00.000-05:00

From last Thursday through the day before yesterday I was feeling great. I was only sick in the mornings and the evenings, I thought the worst of my morning sickness was over! Once I spoke it, it turned on me. It's back, and I am actually really happy about it. Not being constantly sick makes me completely paranoid. I'd rather struggle through the day with some reassurance than fly through it being worried the whole time.
I had a great day! I went back to my old workplace and got to visit with friends and clients. It was great to catch up, but I really miss being there. I love my new job, and my new clients but it's not the same. I miss the friendships, the daily routines, the client's hugs, and their sweet, and sometimes naughty personalities. At least I got to leave with a couple of Scotcheroo bars, they cheered me up.
I've been taking belly pics to track my growth progress. I do seem to have a bit of a pooch going. I'll post some tomorrow. I have a feeling that in the next few weeks my stomach is going to drastically enlarge! I have managed to gain 3 pounds so far. Although with all the eating that I am doing, I am really surprised that it's not more!

Baby A

2009-04-27T14:44:00.001-05:00

This is Baby A, also known as Tweedledum. The head of the baby is on the far left. You can still see the tiny yolk sac just below the baby.

Baby B

2009-04-27T14:43:00.001-05:00

Here is our Baby B, Tweedledee. The baby's head is on the far right. You can make out some arm buds in this picture. They are just below the baby's head.

Our Babies. The Tweedles.

2009-04-27T14:41:00.000-05:00

Here is my favorite picture of them. They are mirror images in this picture. You can really see Tweedledee's arms and legs in this photo.
Their heads are on the far ends, their little feet are both in the middle.
Joel and I named the babies when they were just Day 5 blastocysts. It gave us a way of feeling connected to them. We didn't want to refer to them as babies since we didn't know if they were going to stick, but they weren't just embryos to us. They became our Tweedles- Tweedledum and Tweedledee.

9 weeks, 2nd ultrasound

2009-04-27T12:29:00.000-05:00

I think Joel and I had been most scared for today's appointment. At the last appointment we weren't sure what we were going to encounter. Now we have expectations, and two babies to be worried about. Sure I've been feeling sick, but "is it sick enough for twins?", or "did we lose one along the way?" My mind always goes to the worst possible scenario.
Well, no need for worries here. The babies are looking wonderful. They are measuring right in the range at 8 weeks, 5days, only one day shy of their actual age. We were able to see and hear their heartbeats. Those were the most wonderful little sounds I have ever heard. The heartbeats came in at 175, and 183 bpm.
We saw how their little arms and legs are developing and even got to see one of the babies squirming around. I am still in shock that all of this is happening in my body. I am so used to an u/s being used exclusively for measuring my endometrial lining and follicle sizes. It's amazing how just a few months later, using the same machine, I get to see my babies growing.
I think that the clinic switched the labels of Baby A and Baby B in the photos. She said it doesn't much matter right now, not until the placentas have established themselves do we really know which baby will be considered which. All that matters right now is that they look like they are developing on track, which they are.

The best part about our visit today was that it was back in our old clinic. The one we started out at and did most of our fertility treatments through.It was really sad for us when we weren't able to get pregnant with their help. They are such kind and caring physicians and nurses, and we always looked forward to the day that we could return with our good news. When I checked in I was surprised by how thick my medical file was, and that just reminded me of how far we have come.
The triage nurse came out to check and see who was scheduled for appointments that day. She saw my name, and that I was scheduled for an early OB appointment. She congratulated us and said that she had been thinking about me the other week, and wondered how I was doing. She passed on the news to the u/s tech, who announced my name with enthusiasm when I got called back. I got hugs and huge congrats from her. It made me tear up having all of these women care about us so much.
During my u/s, my midwife, who was my first fertility specialist popped in. She had just heard the news that we were back in the clinic, pregnant this time. She wanted to come in to congratulate us and the see the babies. She asked who I was going to use as an OB, I told her that she had been my first choice, but obviously wouldn't be able to do the delivery because of the twins. She then said that she wanted to be at the birth of the babies, which just about made me cry.
She will take the time out of her personal life to attend the birth of our babies just because she wants to be there to support us, because she has a connection with us. She guided us through the difficult times of infertility, we worked with her for 1 year and 7 months before we had no other choice but to move on. I am so happy with where I am. I feel so absolutely blessed to be here.
The Lord was looking out for us, and while the road of infertility was long and hard, and heartbreaking, I can honestly say that I wouldn't change it. We were meant to travel that road, and endure those hardships for a reason. Getting to see those babies on that screen and hearing their perfect heartbeats makes it all worthwhile. I won't ever forget what we went through to get here. It will forever leave a scar on my heart, but that scar will heal, it has healed, and it has somehow left my heart stronger.

Sick and Tired

2009-04-26T09:28:00.000-05:00

Those are the two words that best summarize how I have been feeling lately.
The morning sickness has continued to plague me morning, noon, and night.
I still haven't actually vomited, just a constant feeling of needing to run to the bathroom at any second. I've tried virtually every trick out there, nothing seems to work. I'm not dying, and I'm still able to eat, so I'm not rushing to my doctor to get a prescription or anything.
The exhaustion has left me wiped out beyond belief. I look at both of these things as signs that things are progressing and developing how they are suppose to.
I haven't done much lately other than sleep and muster up the energy to head to work.
I am counting down the weeks to the end of my first trimester, as well as hoping that I am one of those women who loses the exhaustion and illness overnight. I guess we'll see.
They say that two babies equal double the aches and pains, so I try to remember that this is just the beginning of what's to come.
Joel and I have been doing some reading up on twins. It's mostly been pregnancy information, and so far we have learned a lot.
Nutrition with two babies is a top priority, as is gaining weight. Twins don't gain their weight in an upward climb through 40 weeks like singletons do. They start to slow down around 28 weeks since they essentially run out of room to grow. The goal is for me to gain about 30 lbs before 24 weeks, and then continue to increase that through their birth. If I am able to do this, then the babies should have a higher birth weight, and spend less time in the NICU. I haven't gained anything yet.

We've learned that even though my due date is December 1st, I'll probably have them in late October. Twins are typically born at 36 weeks, but 35% are born before 35 weeks. It's scary stuff to think about. While we are so excited to have two, sweet babies, they also come with a lot of risks.

We have our second u/s tomorrow, and I am excited to see how much they have grown. I still don't have my first OB appointment for another 2 weeks. It's a bit backwards having had 2 u/s before even my first OB appointment. I'll have seen the babies twice before I've even heard their heartbeats on the doppler!

7 weeks, 1st ultrasound

2009-04-14T23:21:00.000-05:00

For some reason the image wants to upload on this blog wrong.
If everyone could please turn their head to the right they might notice- Baby A, and Baby B. We've got two baby beans baking! We're having TWINS!!!

We had our appointment yesterday afternoon. I was a wreck all morning. I kept praying over and over again just to see a heartbeat, one beautiful heartbeat.

When I was laying on the table I just stared at the CNP performing the u/s, trying to get a good "vibe" and hoping for good news. Joel was able to see the one screen in the room while I, of course, wasn't able to see it. He saw the two sacs right away, but waited for her to say something, and gave me no hint of what he was seeing on his face. In fact, I think he looked a little confused, so I just ended up staring at the ceiling and praying.
She said "There are two sacs, and there is definitely one heartbeat." I started to cry and grabbed Joel's hand. One heartbeat, that was all I wanted, if the second baby hadn't made it, it would be terrible, but I could deal with it. Then she probed around a little trying to get a good view of the second baby and added "And there's the second heartbeat." Ahhhhh!!! We told her that this was the best news we had heard in years.

My parents say they knew it all along. Joel said he had a feeling, although when I pressed him last week on a prediction he wouldn't answer me. I guess I was the only person out of the loop. Strange, considering I'm the one carrying them. I guess looking back I should have known. I've had all day and all night sickness from 4 weeks on, and I've been ridiculously exhausted. I had just been attributing it to the IVF.

We are so thrilled by this news! We are also scared out of our minds at the same time! More money, more time, more space, but so much more love to give and receive.

The consensus from everyone who has heard the news so far is that we are having one of each. I've got no "mother's intuition." Even if I did have an idea, I wouldn't believe anyway, I thought there was only one baby in there!

We've officially been released from my RE back into the hands of my OB.
The next u/s is scheduled in two weeks, OB appointment in four.

I'm just a plain, pregnant gal with twins. It's nice to finally join the rest of the world!

Struggle and Loss

2009-04-08T11:39:00.000-05:00

I came upon a poem the other day. It was one that I always carried with me, tucked away in a small pouch in my purse. When I was having a sad day, or when I sat in the waiting room before an appointment, I would take out this poem and read it. It would remind me that the pain that I was going through was to make me a better mother.
So I'm putting this poem here for all of us who are struggling or struggled to become mothers, and for anyone who has experienced the loss of a baby, or babies.

I've never agreed with the first stanza. I would never say that my struggle makes me a better mother than a woman who didn't struggle. I will be a much better mother than the one I would have been had I not experienced the torment of infertility.

There are women who become mothers without effort,
without thought,
without patience or loss,
and though they are good mothers and love their children,
I know that I will be better.

I will be better not because of genetics or money or because I have read more books,
but because I have struggled and toiled for this child.

I have longed and waited.
I have cried and prayed.
I have endured and planned over and over again.

Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams.

I will notice everything about my child.
I will take time to watch my child sleep,
explore,
and discover.
I will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life.

I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold, and feed him and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill, take another shot or cry tears of a broken dream.
My dream will be crying for me.

I count myself lucky in this sense; that God has given me this insight, this special vision with which I will look upon my child.

Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a child that God leads me to, I will not be careless with my love.

I will be a better mother for all that I have endured. I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter, neighbor, friend, and sister because I have known pain.

I know disillusionment, as I have been betrayed by my own body. I have been tried by fire and hell that many never face, yet given time, I stood tall.

I have prevailed.
I have succeeded.
I have won.

So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort. I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs.
I listen.
And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely.

I have learned the immense power of another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth when life is beyond hard.

I have learned a compassion that only comes by walking in those shoes. I have learned to appreciate life.

Yes, I will be a wonderful mother.

- Author Unknown

Goodbye Meds!

2009-04-04T19:14:00.000-05:00

I am completely done with my meds. Yahoo!
My P4 levels came back great. The average progesterone levels in a first trimester pregnancy are between 9 and 47. Mine came back "well over 100" according to my doctor.
So no more shots in the butt! (My rear end is very happy) I was getting really bruised, and Joel said that he was running out of areas to inject.
I am officially now on my own in this pregnancy, no help from any meds other than the baby aspirin and prenatal vitamins.
I'm feeling really great so far. Meaning, that I am still nauseated, bloated, exhausted, peeing constantly. Every time that I feel like puking, or I start to dry heave, I say a prayer to the Lord and I thank Him.
I also ask for strength, and for Him to look over the baby(ies) that I am carrying.
We just have another week or two until we get to have our first ultrasound. It's very early compared to when most women have them. That's partly for the purpose of confirming the pregnancy which is, of course, important to the couple, but also for the CDC, since this is ART. Every cycle that was started, retrieval that was attempted, transfer that took place, positive blood test, and confirmation u/s must be recorded specifically for the clinic and for the United States' IVF statistics.
I will remain with my ivf doctor until the pregnancy is confirmed through the ultrasound, once at 6 1/2 to 7 1/2 weeks and then 2 weeks later. Once everything looks like it is progressing normally, I will be released back to my regular ob/gyn.
Speaking of my ob/gyn, she called me up the other night at 7:30pm just to congratulate me on the pregnancy! She had gotten the fax from my ivf clinic and wanted to call and check up on me. She asked how I was feeling, and said that she was really happy for us, and that she was looking forward to seeing me very soon.
I thought that was such a sweet thing to do.

Picture Time

2009-03-30T22:53:00.000-05:00

What is happening in this picture?? It's multiple choice, so venture a guess.

A) Joel just showed me the awful picture he took of me on his phone, and I am so disgusted by it that it has brought me to tears.

B) I just beat my high score on Tetris.

C) I have the nurse on speaker-phone and she just told us that we are pregnant.

Kudos to you, if you answered C.

I'M PREGNANT!!!! I AM FINALLY PREGNANT!
I thought that I would go my entire life without getting to utter those words.

It feels so weird to write those words, and even more strange to say them out loud.
I don't like to say them too much, I'm scared that I will jinx it.

After 3 years of struggling, begging, praying, and pleading, it finally worked.

God finally answered our prayers. I am so beyond thankful for making it this far.
We have a long way to go, so keep the prayers coming.
My initial HcG levels look great. They are nice and high and doubling like they should.
I have also been taking my fair share of home pregnancy tests just because they don't taunt me anymore with a stark white space.
There are two beautiful pink lines, and one is getting much darker than the control line.
Joel makes fun of me, but all of my SOP girls understand where I am coming from.
I should have kept them hidden from him, but I couldn't help but be so excited to show him how the line keeps getting darker.

I have a hormone level test on Friday, they'll check my P4. I'm hoping it looks good enough that I can stop the progesterone shots. I was already able to decrease my dose by half. They'll probably just switch me to the suppositories which are much more convenient.

We have an u/s in a few weeks to confirm a heartbeat. Please pray that we see one, because that is what I am so overly concerned about right now. We will also find out at that time how many babies there are. I'm almost positive there is only one.

Physically, I'm feeling great right now. I've got most of the early pregnancy stuff going on- cramping, super sore bbs, big bloat after I eat anything, peeing all the time, constant fatigue, waves of nausea. It's wonderful!! I have never loved anything more.
I thought that I would never get to experience this.
This is a gift. I am going to try to cherish every moment of it.

Show and Tell

2009-03-25T22:24:00.000-05:00

This is my very favorite little girl in the whole wide world! She couldn't get any more sweet, or perfect. I love to show her off.
Tomorrow my sister will turn 25, and Harper will be 4 weeks. What a fun day for them.
Harp has already grown so much.
Joel is pretty bummed that he hasn't gotten a chance so see her that much. He seemed proud of a something that I pointed out to him recently- he's Harper's only uncle.
I don't think that he had realized that. I'm sure that there are all sorts of uncle-type obligations that he feels he must fulfill now.

Happy Birthday Sister! Happy one month in the world Harper!