Tuesday, June 28, 2011

Dear Snowbabies

Every three months I am reminded of my infertility when our statement from the cryopreservation clinic arrives in the mail.

We send off a check to keep you safely frozen in time.
I think about you daily.
Your brothers and I pray for you all every night before bed.

I wonder if you are boys or girls. Would you have Gabe's brown eyes, or Nat's wild hair?
Would you love reading as much as your daddy, your brothers, and me?
But mostly I wonder if I will ever be blessed enough carry you -in my womb and in my arms.

I know there is a chance that I will meet you one day.
But stories and unhappy endings from others leave me broken-hearted and worried. I am not guaranteed anything. I may never experience a pregnancy with you. I may never look into your eyes.

If I never meet you here on earth, I know that I will hold you in my arms in heaven.

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

It's Tough Staying Home

Being a stay-at- home mother is a difficult job.
It's not harder that being a working mother. I don't agree with those that argue that it is.
I cannot imagine having to leave my children in the care of others while I trudge off to work an 8 hour day, and then come home and attempt to complete household tasks and spend quality time with my kids and spouse during the evenings and weekends. It seems like a huge stretch of self for one person.
But being a stay-at-home mom has it's own challenges.
I love my kids. I adore them. They are my world.
It's the fact that I am with them 24/7. That's what gets me.
I hear all their fits, all their screams. If they have a crabby day, then I am stuck with it all day.

Today, I would sacrifice my glamorous "Stay-At-Home-Mom" title for something as simple as "Cashier." I actually loved being a cashier in my teens. Scanning and bagging items may seem monotonous, but I felt like I was living out my dreams from pre-school. I lived in that dramatic play area. I rocked at Grocery Store.
I'm always using the self check-out and I secretly hope that those around me notice how amazingly quick I am at finding the SKU.

My kids were up at 4:30 this morning. For the day. Happy as clams. Jumping in their cribs, requesting to see Daddy and have some milk. I tried to politely explain in my sleepy state that it was still night time and that Daddy was sleeping, and that I had been too, until they so abruptly woke me from it.
Well, surprise surprise, they refused to believe me.
Attempts were made to put them back to sleep. I even convinced myself that if I lay in the big bed with them, like I used to, that they would go back to sleep.
My eyes were continually pried open, fingers were stuck in my ears, and up my nose. My stomach was used as a bongo drum.
I gave in and gave up on more sleep. They played in the nursery, looking at books, and rocking themselves in the rocking chair until Daddy came in at 6:15 to wish them Good Morning.

Overnight diapers have a large capacity for urine, but there still is a maximum capacity which my kids both managed to challenge.
Gabe was sitting on my lap watching Sesame Street. It was the 6:30 am showing, which makes me feel slightly better knowing that there are other parents out there with kids up early enough to watch at this time.
Gabe and I were cuddling and I started to feel a warm wet running down my leg. Sweet.
Starting out the day with a kid peeing on my leg. It's gonna be a good day, I can just tell.
Changed the 3 pound diaper full of pee. Changed out of my pee pants
Now 5 minutes later and Nat is sitting on my lap. An all-to-familiar feeling. Nat is peeing through his diaper onto my leg. For real. 2 pee throughs in a matter of 5 minutes. Awesome.

Off to Library Time this morning. We were 10 minutes late due to my inability to find a parking space, and finally finding one a block and a half away. We finally arrived. It was packed, but the boys loved all the people. Just more folks to look at. 3 Finger plays, 2 stories and one poopy diaper change later we are off to meet Auntie and Harper for a doughnut and some milk at the Bakery.
We walk outside. Cue the downpour. I race with the stroller to the car- 1 1/2 blocks away. Load 2 boys and a stroller into the car. Hop in and drive to the bakery.
We have our treats and milk and are ready to get settled.
Gabe insisted on holding and squeezing the living daylights out of the milk. I refused to let him squish the carton all over, so he threw a pretty good-sized fit. I'm sure the elderly man in the corner, attempting to read his morning paper rather appreciated the background noise of a screaming 20 month old.

My little angels are now napping quietly in their beds.
I am pumping myself up for a better 2nd half of the day.

It will be good. It will be good. It will be good.

And if it's not- tomorrow is a new day.

Sunday, June 12, 2011

We are gliding through the days and before we know it the summer will be over.

The summer sun is exaggerating the differences between Gabe and Nat.
Nathaniel has always taken after me in skin tone, and when the sun comes out he is still no different. While he has taken on a little color in his skin, it's usually pink, and all the pink really does is highlight the pale complexion behind it. His normally strawberry blonde locks are looking a little more yellow.
Gabe is continuing to take after his daddy. On Day 1 of sunshine this kid had a killer tan, even with the spf 50 slathered all over him. He continues to grow darker and darker and his sandy brown hair turns more and more blonde.

We made an exciting discovery a few weeks back. Nat no longer seems to have any gluten/wheat issues.
A few instances in which I knew he had consumed wheat had me bracing for digestive reactions, but we never saw any.
Normally a tiny bite of a wheat cracker, or even a spoonful of soup lightly thickened with flour would send this kid into a fit of screams, followed by a diaper blow out and a bottom so red and sore that it would bleed for days.
He had a bite of of daddy's regular pasta. No reaction.
A bite of my sandwich on whole wheat bread. No reaction.
A spoonful of grandma's bran cereal. No reaction.
We decided to throw all caution to the wind and make "real" pancakes for breakfast, not the usual G-free version. NO REACTION!
Life is much easier not having to worry about food allergies. I used to pack back-up options whenever we would go someplace to eat. A few slices of wheat-free bread, a container of quinoa pasta, rice crispy treats if there would be a dessert he couldn't eat. I had to plan every meal far in advance.
Our checkbook likes the new change, as well. Gluten-free eating is not cheap.

Our garden is growing.

I had images in my mind of the boys helping me in the garden.
Simple things like pulling a weed, or helping me to gather vegetables.
I've learned the hard way that they can't distinguish between weeds and desirable plants.
They're quite proud of themselves when they can pull a big bean plant or winter squash sprout all by themselves without mommy even asking for help!
We have reassigned their duties. Instead of helping to weed, they collect the rocks that we find in the garden and bring them to the "rock bucket."

While I am watering and weeding I would love if I could find them riding on their lawn toys, or playing in the sandbox, but they are usually standing on their lawn toys, riding the child-sized table like a horse or throwing and eating sand in the sandbox. Honestly, how much sand can a child consume and it still be considered safe?!
I love that they have imaginations and are interested in using their toys in unconventional ways, but why does their safety always have to be the thing they sacrifice in order to have fun with a toy?
With two of them there is always a brother watching to get ideas from and to encourage new discoveries.